Adoption Journey

Christmas Card Ordered - Check!

2011-12-04T18:36:00.005-05:00

Finally, it's done!

Now on to decorate that nine foot tree that's calling my name. Oh, and I guess everyone expects to have dinner tonight.

Classic Damask Frame Christmas

Click here to browse our Christmas photo card designs.

View the entire collection of cards.

National Adoption Month: Processing What I've Come to Believe

2011-11-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

November is National Adoption Month. I love adoption, and I love my precious son who came into our family through adoption. And yet, some parts of the adoption culture in America make me cringe. As we've navigated through the adoption process, I've learned the importance of thinking with both my head and my heart, and along the way, I've developed some pretty strong beliefs about adoption.

National Adoption month seems to be a good time to try and voice my thoughts.

Adoption should be about finding families for kids; not finding kids for families.
If you google adoption, you will find agencies promising to find you a healthy baby in a short amount of time.   Personally, I would run from those agencies. Why?  Because it sounds to me like they are in the baby business. They are promising to provide a product - a child. And children are not products.

I hold to this so strongly because of something else I've come to believe through our adoption process:  If at all possible, parents should raise the children born to them. Put another way, I believe the best place for any child is with their birth family - provided it is safe and loving. In a perfect world, that's what would happen. Every time.

Of course, our world is far from perfect, and every child isn't born to parents ready to give him or her a safe and loving home. Sometimes babies and kids of all ages need to be placed for adoption. In those cases, adoption becomes a redemptive response to the tragic loss of a child's first family.

Personally, I would never "pray" that a birth mother would give up her child. Why would I pray for a woman to find herself in a situation so desperate that she couldn't keep the child she carried for nine months and then labored to bring into the world? Why would I wish upon a child the loss of his first mom?

But I would pray my heart out for the child whose mother felt she had to give him up. I would pray for that child to be placed in a loving home with wise godly parents who would help him process his unique history. I would pray for healing in the first mom's heart.

Do you see the difference? A family for the child. Not a child for the family.

A few years ago, contemplating adoption, we found ourselves at an adoption fair at a local church.  I'll never forget a conversation I had at one of the booths.  The staff person for this private adoption agency introduced me to one of their adoptive moms and asked this mom to share her story.

Glowing, she shared how her sweet son came into her family through adoption, but the longer she talked, the more uncomfortable I became. She was particularly critical of her child's birth mom.  Apparantly, after introducing them to the birth father, a few months later the birth mom showed up at the hospital in labor -- on the arm of a new boyfriend. "Oh, that's really common," the agency worker chimed in. "They do that all the time."

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why it was necessary to deride this child's birth mother to me, a total stranger. Was she trying to let me see how better off her adopted child was with her? I wanted to scream, "That young girl you're so smugly belittling gave you HER CHILD!"

This agency seemed very confident in their ability to talk young girls out of their babies and deliver their product to us, the adoptive parents. I sensed a superior attitude, a sense of entitlement. As we walked away I told Mike, "There's absolutely no way in the world I'd ever work with those people."

In our first interview with the agency we eventually used, we were told, "We find parents for children, not children for parents." That's what I wanted to hear.

Even with that confidence, during the adoption process, our agency came under scrutiny as they were accused of unethical "recruiting" methods in Ethiopia. We didn't know what to do. We'd already been matched with Wenxin and were in the process of bringing him home. And yet, the accusations were just too serious to ignore.

To be fair, we listened to our agency's side of the story. I talked with our social worker. By this time I had formed some online connections through message boards and adoption blogs, so I was even able to contact some of the families involved in accusations against our agency. The internet can be an amazing tool!

We did more research and found no complaints about our agency's China program. And by that time, Wenxin was our son in our hearts. He'd spent a long time in the orphanage and we wanted to bring him into our family as soon as possible.

So finally, shaken, we proceeded. And Wenxin came home. For good.

We live in a fallen world and often the adoption process is flawed. It's not a reason to "not adopt." But please, please, please think with both your head and your heart as you enter the process.

National Adoption Month is a time to highlight children who need families. It's also a great time to open the discussion about adoption. It's a great time to break the silence and voice honest questions, honest concerns. Using our heads and hearts, we can make a difference.

It's A Birthmark

2011-10-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

"This is going to grow, " the pediatrician told me back in 2002, when she noticed a tiny birthmark on Julia's two-week old arm. "It's called a hemangioma. We won't need to do anything about it," she said. "It will eventually go away."

By age six months, the hemangioma was bigger than my baby's arm.

Because of the birthmark, I dressed Julia in long sleeves for most of her baby pictures. Even though it was part of her, I was afraid if the birthmark showed in a photo, it would be all anyone would notice. On just one occasion, I had her photographed with her birthmark in plain view. As she grew older, I wanted to remember everything about her baby years - including her birthmark. I wanted her to know that I wasn't ashamed of how God made her.

Everywhere we went, people stared. Some asked questions. Occasionally kids were mean, but most of the time they were just embarrassingly honest. My standard line was, "It doesn't hurt. It's a birthmark and it will go away on its own when she's older." My matter of fact response was mainly meant for Julia's ears.

Nine years later, Julia's birthmark is almost gone. The doctor was right. The huge mass has mostly vanished and it's no longer bright red. What's left is mostly stretched-out, loose skin on her right arm.

Today I asked her if she'd like to have the loose skin on her arm removed by a surgeon. Her response was priceless.

"Why?" she gasped. "This is how God made me." She seemed appalled that I'd even suggest such a thing.

"This birthmark is something special that God gave me. When God looks at all the people in the world, this birthmark is part of what makes me, me. . ." She stumbled for the right words. "Why would we want to remove a part of me that God made?"

"Do people ask you about it?"

"All the time."

"What do you say?"

"I say, 'It's a birthmark."

Well, there you go.

Sometimes the Pictures Say it All

2011-10-19T13:04:00.000-04:00

I'm finishing up Wenxin's 12 month post placement report. For Wenxin's adoption, China requires updates at 6 months and 12 months. These updates involve having a social worker visit us in our home and write a report on how we are all adjusting. We also have to include photos. Tomorrow, we are mailing our last report!

On this momentous occasion, I feel I should write a deep insightful post about our first year together. And I'm officially stumped. How do you put it all into words?

Our family's journey has best been told in stories from our day to day life. I've tried to tell them honestly. I've tried to paint a picture of what an older child adoption looks like in real life.

So for today, let's just let the photos do the talking.

That was then. . .

And this is now. . .

Processing

2011-10-09T20:11:00.000-04:00

Fall. Four home schooled kids. Three soccer teams. One Boy Scout troop. A husband who travels. And a mom with a broken foot.

It doesn't leave much time to blog.

But some things are too encouraging to leave unrecorded.

Last night, Wenxin and I were lying on my bed just having some talk and snuggle time before bed when he looked up at me and asked, "Do you think if another mom had adopted me, I would love her as much as I love you?"

It was a great opportunity to talk about how God works in our lives. God knew what kind of Mom Wenxin needed. And he knew what kind of son I needed. God led us together and we are perfect for each other.

What We're Reading at My House Today

2011-08-15T11:30:00.001-04:00

Where the Wild Things Are, by Maurice Sendak. Doesn't Max look a lot like Wenxin?

And, How A House is Built, by Gail Gibbons.

Thanks for all the encouraging comments after yesterday's post, Pass the Grace, Please. I should clarify that my experience is more one of "fearing being judged," than actually experiencing "being judged." And honestly, that's more my problem than the problem of those around me.

Pass the Grace, Please.

2011-08-14T16:34:00.005-04:00

Wenxin, Julia, Katherine and I stepped off the wooden walkway onto the white sands of Cocoa Beach's Jetty Park. The sky was clear and the blue-green flag flying at the lifeguard station signaled almost perfect swimming conditions.  Dragging a cooler, boogie boards, pails, shovels, chairs, bags and towels, we made our way across the sand.

For some reason, this was our first beach day this summer. Out of state trips and lots of rainy days when we were in town kept us away from the coast. So when Mike and Nathan left for a weekend camp-out, I decided to brave the beach with the younger three kids.  This would be the second time eight year old Wenxin had seen the ocean. The first time was almost a year ago.

Anyone feeling nervous at this point?

We parked our cooler at the perfect spot -- far enough from the water that we wouldn't get washed away when the tide began to come in. We unfolded my chair and spread out a straw mat for the kids. Julia and Wenxin grabbed the pails and shovels and ran closer to the water and began to build.

Katherine wanted to try her hand at boogie boarding so she and I ran into the surf.

After watching Katherine ride a few waves, Wenxin came out and wanted to try. That's when everything began to go downhill. You see, he really, really wanted to try boogie boarding. It really, really looked fun. But he was really really scared.

He learned to swim earlier this summer, but this was his first time to try to swim at the beach. He didn't want the salt water in his eyes and mouth and nose. He was afraid of being swept away by the waves. He wanted to . . . and he didn't want to.

He refused to lie down on the board. I strapped the cord to his wrist and it was all wrong. . . too tight. . . too loose. . . not comfortable. . . wrong hand. No matter what I did, it wasn't right. He was not going to be able to boogie board like Katherine, and somehow it was quickly becoming all my fault.

He cried and screamed and thrashed around in the water.

I tried to help him name his emotions. "I know you really want to boogie board but you feel scared," and "I know you aren't used to how the salty water tastes and feels." I don't remember exactly the words I used, but I tried to help him process his feelings.

He stood in the surf and stomped his feet.

I tried to stay calm. "Why don't we try again later?" I suggested.

Screaming louder,  he demanded to try now.

"We can't try again right now, because you've lost your self-control. You are frustrated, but you can have self-control. You can stop throwing a fit. Tell me when you have your self-control back."

"OK," in a loud voice that was just a little more controlled, " I have my self-control. May we try again?"

So we tried again, and within minutes he just lost it.

Finally, I walked out of the water with Wenxin running and screaming behind me. He even slapped and kicked at me. I tried to stay calm. "You may not hit and kick me. We are taking a break. We will try another time."

Across the beach we went, heading toward our stuff. If I'd known this was going to happen, I would've set up closer to the water.

Instead, off we went - slapping, kicking, falling down, crying, whining, stopping for little talks, walking again, holding hands, jerking away. We were putting on a show for everyone. I kept wondering when some beach-goer from the audience was going to yell, "If I'd acted like that when I was little, my mom would've worn me out."

Back at our stuff, I offered Wenxin a chocolate chip cookie from the cooler, but he took one look at his sandy hands and began to cry that he didn't want sand in his food. . . he was sick. . . we needed to go home. . . now!

When I didn't start packing up right away, he wailed loudly, "You must hate me!"

A bunch of seagulls were watching the drama from across the sand and on a whim, I threw a piece of cookie their way. About 12 of them descended on the cookie at once, the lucky winner grabbing it in his beak and flying away. Wenxin laughed.

I stuck a cookie in Wenxin's mouth and he just sucked on it, leaving half of it dangling outside his mouth. The hungry gulls were all watching us now.

"If I were you, I'd get the rest of that cookie in my mouth - fast," I warned. "I'm afraid one of those gulls is going to fly over and take it from you."

As Wenxin laughed and gobbled up the cookie, the evil spell was broken. We watched the birds and ate snacks, accidentally dropping some pieces for the birds from time to time, until Julia and Katherine came in for a break. Afterwards, all three built sand castles for the rest of the afternoon.

Late in the day, I looked up from my book, just in time to see Katherine pulling Wenxin across the waves on the boogie board. A few moments later, Julia ran up the beach and yelled, "Mom! Wenxin wants you to come and watch him do it." He was riding the waves like a pro.

As much as I like an entertaining story, it's hard for me to write about days like this. . . because we have them a lot. A week or two ago I wrote a post called Re-Entry Can Be Rough about the struggles we've had at home since returning from Colorado. I'd love to say that things have gotten easier since then, but honestly, they haven't. I fear that I'm coming across like a whiner or that people will think I'm creating the problems myself by not being strict enough. More than once someone has told me, "He's just manipulating you."

I don't doubt he's trying to manipulate me. In a lot of ways I'm his lifeline, and maybe he feels safer thinking he can control me. My question is what to do about it.

When I think back over our day at the beach, one thing is clear. The main way Wenxin has learned to deal with overwhelming emotions is by melting down and throwing a fit. He needs to learn appropriate ways to handle fear and anger and frustration.

One of the principles I try to practice in parenting all my kids, is to never correct them or punish them for doing something wrong if I haven't first taught them to do it right. That's kind of a "no-brainer" to me.

So I think my first step in helping eliminate Wenxin's tantrums is to work with him on appropriate ways to respond when he feels angry or afraid or frustrated. I need to play act and practice with him. I need to get some short, sweet phrases that I say to him over and over when I sense he's about to go over the edge. I'm still mulling over a plan in my mind, but it's clear to me that even though he's eight, we've got some catching up to do in this area. I'm open to suggestions.

My second thought as I look back on yesterday has to do with judging. When my eight year old acts like a three year old in public, I feel judged. When I share with people, sometimes even with people close to me, that after almost a year we still have issues, I feel judged.

I think I gained a new insight into Jesus's commandment to "not judge." One reason we shouldn't judge others is that we simply aren't equipped to pass judgement. We aren't all-knowing. We aren't God. When you see that big kid having a meltdown in the store, you have no way of knowing if it's a result of bad parenting or something more difficult -- autism, walking through a family trauma or even an older child adoption.

So remember me and have grace. We're trying. We really, really are. And by God's grace we're getting there.

Little Glimpses of Kindness

2011-08-12T20:17:00.001-04:00

Every now and then I see a little glimpse of the boy I hope Wenxin is becoming.

Wenxin hated what I prepared for dinner tonight and continued to whine and cry that he was hungry long after we'd finished.

Food is a big deal for kids who've suffered significant trauma, so even though I want him to learn to eat what I prepare, I decided I needed to feed him something before bed. I remembered that I'd bought some frozen chicken strips when they were B1G1 last week and thought that would be an easy solution.

When Wenxin saw what I was preparing he asked, "Can you fix some for everyone, Mama? I know Katherine really likes those."

Thoughtfulness, empathy, sharing, kindness. I like that.

The Tale of Fatty Ann

2011-08-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

"Would you like to hear a story about when Mommy and Aunt Julie were little girls?"

It had been an intense day, and I was desperately trying to get Wenxin to settle down and snuggle with me before bed.

"OK, " he whispered, moving in close.

"Well," I began, "when Mommy was about seven and Aunt Julie was about five, we had a great big baby doll named Fatty Ann. She was huge -- bigger than Aunt Julie. Fatty Ann was not an expensive doll. Her body was made of cloth, and she was filled with stuffing. And her big giant face was plastic.

"One day Aunt Julie and I were playing with Fatty Ann on the carport and we got the idea to punch her in the face and see what happened.

"So we did. . . and it left a big dent in Fatty Ann's big plastic face.

"We thought it was funny, so we did it again. Then, all of the sudden, we both attacked Fatty Ann, punching her over and over and over again. When we finished Fatty Ann's face was full of dents. She looked terrible.

"Aunt Julie and I looked at Fatty Ann, and we both began to cry. We felt so bad for hurting her. And we were afraid we'd be in big trouble when Grammy and Papa found out."

By this time, Wenxin was laughing his head off at the idea of his mom and his aunt beating up their baby doll. He laughed until he could hardly breath. Then an amazing thing happened. He began to yell, "Hey Katherine! Hey Julia! Do you know the story of Fatty Ann?" He wanted to share it with his siblings. So I had to tell it again.

I realized something that night. Wenxin needs to hear my stories. Even though he's been in our family less than a year, he needs to be connected to the stories of his parents and grandparents. Every family has an "oral history" - those funny stories that get repeated over and over again. It's what separates the outsiders from the insiders. That night, Wenxin felt like an insider.

At that point it was really getting late, but everyone begged for one more story. So I told them about a time when I was really little. I'd just learned to go to the bathroom on my own, but on this particular day, I lost my balance and fell into the potty. I frantically began to grab for anything I could use to pull myself out. Unfortunately I caught hold of the handle and flushed the potty by mistake. Now my terror was over the top. . . because I'd seen what happens to things that are sitting in the potty when it gets flushed. . .

"So what finally happened?" Wenxin wanted to know.

"Oh, just in time, Fatty Ann ran in and saved me!" I just couldn't resist.

His Story Didn't Begin With Us

2011-08-07T16:46:00.001-04:00

"Joseph Michael Wenxin Ball: This is your story. It is all about you, your life in China and how we became a family." - from the opening page of Wenxin's lifebook.

This summer I've been working on Wenxin's lifebook. It's a book with photos and text that tells what I know of the story of his life.

Wenxin's life didn't begin the day Mike and I met him in China. While his lifebook will have lots of photos from our adoption trip to China, there's more. I'm including pages about his birth parents, his life with his Foster Mom and his time in the orphanage. There's important information about his Chinese culture and the province where he was born. My hope is that his lifebook will be a tool for us to use to help him process his unique history.

What a daunting task! It's been made way easier with the help of Kristen from My Story Lifebooks. I'm using the template I purchased from Kristen to make an 8X8 hardcover book on Shutterfly. The pages are all laid out and much of the text is written. All I have to do is add photos and tweak it to make a lifebook that is uniquely Wenxin's.

Kristen has pre-made pages that she can include for all China adoptions. Things like a country map, a fun page about Chinese zodiac, and a page of things that came from China. She's already thought through how to communicate sensitively about birth parents and China's one-child policy.

I was impressed with the level of personal service Kristen provides. She asked if Wenxin had any special needs, and designed a couple of pages with sensitive prose explaining some medical issues he faced while still living in China. I had not intended to include that info in Wenxin's book. I just didn't know what to say. Kristen's suggestions were perfect.

It's coming right along. If you need to make a lifebook for your adopted child, check out, My Story Lifebooks. On the website you can see samples from templates for China, Korea, Vietnam and Guatemala. And if you don't see what you're looking for, just contact Kristen. She can make a template for any type adoption.

P.S. - I don't get a kick-back if you purchase a something from My Story Lifebooks. I'm just so fired up about this I had to pass it along.

Tonggu Momma Does it Again

2011-08-02T20:34:00.002-04:00

Tonggu Momma came up with another great post today. Her list of ways to help brand new adoptive families should be a must read for every local church. Even the comments are good. Her list especially applies to the international adoption of toddlers and older kids. Click here to read.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

2011-08-01T09:35:00.004-04:00

We're enjoying our last few days of summer. Everyone's playing Lego's in the living room - most still in pajamas. Since we were in Colorado for most of the past two weeks, the fridge is almost totally empty, so what I really need to do is get in gear and make a meal plan and grocery list.

But what I really want to do is stay in my pajamas and blog.

Oh, and by the way, 13 years ago, today, Mike and I got married. I was 36 and he was 38. I sooo wanted to be a wife and mom, but wasn't quite sure it would ever happen. Now look at us 13 years later!

Since it's a special day for me, maybe I can justify just a little more time drinking coffee and reading blogs.

Here's a link to an important blog post by one of my favorite adoption bloggers - Tonggu Momma. I love her because she's funny and she types with a Southern accent. But most of all, I love her because she balances her affection for her beautiful adopted daughters with realism about some of the harder aspects of adoption. Tonggu Momma has decided to speak out - not only for adoptive parents - but also for adult adoptees and first moms. Click on the link above to read what she shared about adoption with the ladies from her church at the baby shower for her newly adopted daughter.

And if you're dropping by for the first time in a while, I actually wrote 7 new blog posts during July. I'm officially back. You don't want to miss, "Off to a Shaky Start at Kids Camp." Take a look and catch up!

Weekend Best of the Web

2011-07-30T12:40:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd share a few of my favorite links from last week. Enjoy!

Seeing Beyond Mad to the Sad - More great insight from Lisa Qualls about older child adoption.

Passion Following - I love this article about following your passion and finding your dream job.

Beautiful Home at The Inspired Room - OK, I have weakness for beautiful homes. Here's a real beauty. I may never live in a place like this, but it sure is fun to look at the photos.

Tim Hawkins - Warning - this is very "irreverent," but Tim Hawkins' family friendly comedy is getting a lot of laughs at my house these days. Mike, Wenxin and I saw him live in Colorado so now we are bigger fans than ever!

Re-entry Can Be Rough

2011-07-29T21:01:00.003-04:00

The trip to Colorado turned out to be a roaring success. Wenxin's confidence grew by leaps and bounds as he tried new things and basked in the undivided love of both parents.

Our conference ended Tuesday night with a big outdoor celebration. We got plates of snacks and settled in at a table with friends. All of the sudden, Wenxin lit up and shouted, "I see one of my teachers! Can I go say Hi?" And off he went. He ran across the crowded lawn and gave his teacher a big hug. This is the same kid who only a few days earlier, clung to my leg and mumbled loudly, "I hate everybody in this place."

He told me later, "Mom, I really liked Kids Camp. I think I just had to get used to it."

Next, he spotted one of his new friends. Soon, he and a bunch of other eight year old boys were wrestling and racing and break dancing.

One of our friends noted, "Dana, it's been over 30 minutes and he hasn't checked-in with you."

We'd shared with a lot of friends at the conference that one of the most exhausting things about my life these days is that Wenxin has to check-in with me about once every five minutes. He'll play with his siblings or friends, but every five minutes or so he runs back and gives me a hug, or a little kiss, or tells me he loves me. . . You get the picture. It's sweet, but after a while, it's exhausting. It's like he has to make sure I'm still there.

But that night at the party, he forgot about checking-in with me. He was in his element and having a blast! The kid has some moves. You should've seen him dance.

However, arriving home in Florida the next day, all the progress we'd seemed to make in Colorado simply evaporated. Re-entry has been rough. Wenxin is clingy and jealous. He obviously resents having to share us with his siblings. It's discouraging.

We've had two days of tears. Mostly Wenxin's - but some from the other kids. And he's checking in again - constantly. The other kids are checking in a lot too -- they haven't seen me for 10 days and they want to catch up. I read once that "being a mom is like being pecked to death by chickens." That pretty much describes my last two days.

I'm still impressed by how much the other kids give him grace. Yesterday, he cried all morning. I'd had it. I felt like I needed some time with Nathan so I offered to take him out to lunch while Mike stayed with Wenxin and the girls. It's something we've talked about doing all summer.

After a few moments, Nathan came back and said, "Mom, I don't feel right about going without Wenxin. Would it be OK if I invited him to go with us?" I tried to let Nathan know that he didn't have to feel guilty about special time just for him. But he insisted. And he was probably right. We had fun eating and hanging out -- just Mom and the boys -- for a couple of hours. Wenxin relaxed and enjoyed being a brother.

Sunday Scenery

2011-07-24T21:53:00.000-04:00

What About the Other Kids?

2011-07-24T21:33:00.002-04:00

With so much emphasis on Wenxin (after all, this whole blog is pretty much about him), people often wonder how the other kids are doing. Are they getting lost in the shuffle?

I guess the honest answer is: Time will tell.

Any time you add a child to your family, even a biological child, it requires sacrifice from everyone. Adding an older adopted child is probably even more challenging - and not just for the parents.

But just as everyone has made sacrifices, everyone has gained so much in the process. Nathan, Julia and Katherine have all gained a brother they adore.

And we are having a lot of fun as a family of six. We spent spring break with Mike's family in the D.C. area. We took a vacation to Alabama to see my folks in June. And we are wearing out our Aquatica passes this summer!

Mike and I are trying to be especially sensitive to each child's needs during the transition. I still make sure each child gets some personal "snuggle time" each day. It's true that Wenxin gets way more than the others, but he's quick to remind everyone, "Mama's catching me up."

Mike spends individual time with each child as well. He and Nathan enjoy some time together almost every night. Mike puts the boys to bed and often hangs out by Wenxin's bed as Wenxin falls asleep. That kid falls asleep faster than anyone I've ever seen; it takes about two minutes! As soon as Wenxin is asleep, Mike sits down by Nathan's bed and they talk about whatever is on Nathan's mind. It's become a special time.

We let each child try a new activity this summer. The girls went to "Annie Jr." drama camp.

And Nathan became a Boy Scout.

Probably the biggest sacrifice for our bio kids is having parents who are stressed and totally exhausted most days. I don't quite know what to do about that one.

Over and over, as I've met up with old friends here in Colorado, I've been asked, "How are you doing?" I usually answer with, " Fine," or "Tired, but fine," if I'm feeling a bit more honest.

I always wonder if people notice the 10+ pounds I've gained over the last year, or the big fever blister on my lip, or the fact that I've chewed every one of my fingernails down to almost nothing.

Hiking together in the Rockies today, we talked a lot about our need to keep physically fit. I think that getting exercise would help reduce my stress level.

But back to the kids: Have the sacrifices that Nathan, Julia and Katherine have made to welcome a new brother in their lives deepened their character and increased their capacity to love? Are they better people as a result?

Time will tell, but I'm hopeful.

The other night, Mike and Nathan were out late, so I had the job of putting Wenxin and the girls to bed. I was exhausted and had no intention of standing by Wenxin's bed as he went to sleep. I tucked him in, prayed for him, gave him a hug, and headed out to the sofa for some much needed "down time."

Wenxin began to cry. In my mind, that was just too bad, because I was not going to be manipulated. I was ready and willing to let him "cry this one out."

After a few moments Julia got up. She gently reminded me, "Dad usually stays in the room talking to Nathan as Wenxin goes to sleep. Mom, he's not used to being in that dark room alone." Julia let me know she wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but she felt like I should do something.

So , right or wrong, I went in and carried Wenxin out to the sofa and let him lie down with me. He was out in just a minute. Mike carried him to bed when Mike and Nathan arrived home.

What struck me most, was Julia's compassion for her little brother. She wasn't irritated that he demanded so much attention. She was able to put herself in his shoes and see why this might be a hard situation for him.

I was very proud of my girl.

What's Working For Us #4 - Meeting New Adults

2011-07-23T14:40:00.001-04:00

Our recent trip to Alabama to visit friends and family could pretty much be filed under the category of "disaster" as far as Wenxin's behavior was concerned.

We were reminded how much meeting new adults stresses him out. As we introduced him to lots of people who've prayed for him throughout this journey, he thanked them by clinging to me, hiding his face and occasionally grunting at them. His overall demeanor said, "Everyone get away from me."

I spent lots of my time lamely saying, "He's shy," in response.

After that experience, we seriously reconsidered our plans for this trip to Colorado. There are 5000 people at this conference - and a whole lot of them have prayed for us through our adoption of Wenxin. Daily we meet friends from around the world - people we only see every few years at times like this. We were afraid it would push Wenxin - and perhaps us - over the edge.

Before making a decision, I made a phone call to our social worker, Debra Hewitt, and explained the situation. She empathized with Wenxin. Even in China, we were told he was naturally shy in new situations. And she reminded me that for kids in state care, new adults are not always good news. She could see how meeting new adults would be stressful for someone with his personality and background.

But even in light of all this, Debra felt that we had to teach him the skill of responding appropriately when being introduced to our adult friends. She helped me come up with a plan.

First, she asked me to quit saying, "He's shy," to excuse bad behavior. She reminded me that while shy people may have to try harder in social situations, being shy in not an excuse to growl when your mother introduces you to a friend.

Next, she asked me to role play meeting new people with him every day in preparation for our trip. When I pretend to introduce a friend, he practices responding by looking at them and saying, "Nice to meet you." (Believe it or not, it really, really helped him to have a memorized line to say in response. I never thought about how having to come up with the response off the cuff, might be stressful to him.) We also practice answers to the few questions that adults usually ask kids upon meeting them. "How old are you?" "What grade are you in?" And so on.

Lastly, we came up with a plan to help him have a lot of success at this conference. Every time he responds appropriately to being introduced to a new adult, I slip him a little treat. I'm walking around the conference with a bag full of gum, mints and other little goodies.

And you know what? It's working!

Off to a Shaky Start at Kids Camp

2011-07-22T18:39:00.002-04:00

"I hate everybody in this room!"

Earlier that morning, Wenxin and I packed his lunchbox for his first day at Colorado Kids Camp. We filled his water bottle and put on sunscreen. We talked about how Daddy and I would go to the meetings for our conference and he'd go to camp. (Our other kids were at home with grandparents, but since Wenxin's only been home 10 months, we chose to bring him with us on this work trip to Colorado.) We planned to pick him up at 3 pm and then come home and swim together. So far so good.

But when we pulled up to the elementary school where the kids camp was held, the whole atmosphere changed. Things went downhill quickly.

Wenxin began to cling to my leg and whine. He didn't want to stay. He wanted to go with Mom and Dad.

First stop: the Health Check station where they weed out any kids who might be sick. Wenxin tried his darnedest to fail the health check. Cough, sore throat, stomach ache? He had them all.

On to his class:  Wenxin refused to take a seat. In fact he stood, stiff as a board, in the middle of the room and mumbled loudly, "I hate everybody in here!"

The teacher greeted him. At my request, she brought the day's schedule over and explained about all the fun things they'd be doing. But Wenxin wanted no part of it.

I asked if I could move with him to the side of the room where we could just sit together and observe the class for a while. He gathered his sunscreen and water bottle from the desk. He took the name tag they'd prepared for him, emphatically throwing it to the floor.

By this time Mike had parked the car and come in to see what was taking so long. I walked over and talked with Mike for a moment and when we looked back, huge tears were rolling down Wenxin's face.

Our hearts hurt for him, but we were not surprised. Over the last 10 months, we've learned that certain situations trigger anxiety in Wenxin. A big one is places that look "institutional." This includes doctor's offices, schools, churches, etc.

I talked with Wenxin and told him that all the kids at the camp had parents who would be picking them up at the end of the day, just like we'd be picking him up. No children would spend the night at the camp. I tried to ease his fears.

Context is everything. With no context, if you saw an eight year old boy refuse to take a seat, say that he hated everyone in the room and purposefully throw his name tag to the floor, you would probably think that his parents should impose swift consequences for his disobedient and disrespectful behavior. What eight year old acts like that?

But what if you knew that only three years ago, this child had been removed from the only home he'd ever known and placed in an orphanage that housed 1000 kids?  Would that make a difference? Could you see how getting in a line with a bunch of other kids and being dropped off at a place that looks an awful lot like an orphanage might push all his buttons, putting him into "fight or flight" mode? Could it be possible that even though this kid now has loving parents and life is good, this makes him even more afraid that he might somehow lose everything again, for a second time?

We did not punish Wenxin for his behavior because it was rooted in fear, not rebellion. Mike sat down with him at the edge of the room and I went out to talk with the Kids Camp director. At that point a couple of really good things happened.

First, Mike began to play with Wenxin. When I came back in the room they were quietly having a war, taking turns shooting each other with a bottle of sunscreen. The tears were gone and Wenxin was smiling. The next think I knew, Wenxin was sporting Mike's sunglasses and conference name tag.  As he laughed and played with his dad, he relaxed. Play is a key to Wenxin's heart.

Next, the Kids Camp director was quick on her feet and assigned a teacher to stick close to Wenxin for the whole day. She had that teacher come and get to know Wenxin while Mike and I were still there.

Finally, I felt we might be able to leave. So I asked Wenxin, "Would you like to wear Dad's sunglasses when we leave, or can he have them back now?" Wenxin chose to take his seat in class, hiding out behind Mike's sunglasses, and we were able to slip out the door. Wenxin had a great "first day" at Kids Camp, and since then, he's marched right in like a big boy each morning.

Sticking my toe in the water just a little. . .

2011-07-11T20:48:00.002-04:00

Oh how I miss my blog! It's been months since my last post.

But I miss blogging and hope to begin to post again real soon. Wenxin's been home over 9 months and there's a lot to share.

Since I know a lot of adoptive moms stop by here from time to time, I had to post a link to this article today. I'm so thankful for access to info like this as I learn to be a better mom to all my kids.

Hope to see you again soon.

Feeding My Boy from China - Asian Food

2011-03-16T15:56:00.001-04:00

Hot and Sour Thai Soup
Ingredients:
- 2 boxes (8 cups) Swansons chicken broth
- 1/2 can coconut milk
- 1 rotisserie chicken - remove bones and skin and tear chicken into small pieces
- juice from 3 limes
- garlic powder- to taste
- red pepper flakes - to taste
- Thai fish sauce - to taste
- fresh cilantro
- 1/2 box angel hair pasta
Bring first eight ingredients to boil. Break angel hair pasta into thirds and cook until done. You can also add fresh sliced mushrooms and fresh chopped carrots if you want some veggies. Just play with it. We like lots of red pepper flakes (hot!) and lots of lime juice (sour!). Delicious served with a side of jasmine rice.

Occasionally prospective adoptive parents ask me about recipes for Asian food. I'm lucky in that I lived for many years in Bangkok, Thailand, so I already love Thai food (different from Chinese, I know, but a lot closer than most American food.) Since Wenxin's been home, I've cooked more Thai and Asian foods and everyone enjoys them. The soup recipe above is currently our family's favorite meal.

One great thing about China adoptions is they require adoptive parents to spend some time in country. Our trip was 17 days. This trip is a great opportunity to observe your new child and find out what kinds of foods they like. We did the travel package offered by our agency. They put us in nice hotels with huge breakfast buffets. For most other meals, a Chinese guide took us to a variety of restaurants.

I learned a lot about Wenxin's tastes at these meals. I learned that he'll gobble up most fruits and veggies. I learned he likes meat. I learned he can eat spicy food. I learned he loves ketchup. Rice and noodles were always eaten. And McDonalds or KFC were considered special treats. All good to know.

Food is such an important part of life. It's definitely an important part of attaching to an adoptive child and helping him feel secure and at home.

A couple of things I learned surprised me. First, I learned he doesn't like congee - a rice porridge that's a common breakfast food for Chinese kids. Second, I learned he hates Chinese dumplings. So no need for me to try to perfect my congee recipe or dumpling making skills. That was good to know before we got home.

The best "adoption gift" we received was a rice cooker. It's so easy to cook perfect rice in a rice cooker. And all rice is not created equal. Our favorite rice for Asian meals is jasmine rice from Thailand. These days you can even buy it at Wal-Mart. A big steaming side of jasmine rice can make most any meal a little more familiar for Wenxin.

I've learned not to throw away left over rice, because fried rice (with veggies and an egg thrown in) makes a quick easy hot lunch. Now I cook a little extra rice just so we'll have leftovers.

Finding sauces your child likes can help you easily modify a meal. I have a Thai sweet chili sauce that Wenxin loves on fried chicken. So while everyone else is eating their chicken plain, Wenxin can douse his in hot chili sauce. Win-win for everyone.

In closing, here's what we had for dinner last night. Everyone had seconds. Some had thirds. We licked the platter clean.

Photo from The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Beef with Snow Peas, from The Pioneer Woman Cooks website. Pioneer Woman, I've come to find out, has a soft spot for Asian cuisine so this is a good place to find new Asian recipes.

Are We Like those Slave Owners?

2011-03-13T09:50:00.004-04:00

Friday night Mike took the girls to their first ever Daddy Daughter Dance. So, at Wenxin's suggestion, I took the boys out for a Mother Son dinner.

On the way home, Nathan made an interesting comment. He said that when he thinks of how Wenxin is doing, he keeps wondering if we are like the slave owners back in Civil War times. Huh? He went on to explain that the slave owners insisted that the slaves were just fine, even grateful for the opportunity to work on their plantations.

In Nathan's 11 year old heart, he wonders if we are way more excited about this whole adoption thing than Wenxin is. Do we mistakenly think he's grateful?

I was blown away by Nathan's humility. . . and empathy. . . and insight.

Later, I pulled Nathan aside and talked with him. I told him that I believe Wenxin is happy to be a part of our family. Given the choice, I believe he'd much rather be in our family than in the orphanage. As I carefully watch, I believe he is loving having a mom and dad and siblings. He seems genuinely happy.

But even knowing that, we can never forget that Wenxin comes to us with a history of big losses. I listed them for Nathan. He lost his first parents and probably will never have any information about them. He lived in a foster family until he was 5, and then he lost them when he was moved back to the orphanage. At seven, he lost China - being surrounded by people who look like him and speak his language. He lost familiar foods and smells. He lost it all to come to a strange country.

I told Nathan that at different times in Wenxin's life he may grieve these losses and feel angry. Who will he be angry at? His birth parents? Kind of hard because he doesn't even have a face to put with them. His foster mom? Maybe. But that was long ago and far away. The orphanage staff? Probably too impersonal. Nathan followed my line of reasoning. "He might get angry at us," he offered.

I softened it a little by saying, "I hope he never feels that way, but it is possible, as he gets older that he may feel angry at Mom and Dad. He may need to feel angry at someone, and hopefully he'll know that it's safe to share his real feelings with us."

I told Nathan I don't expect Wenxin to feel grateful to be in our family any more than I expect Nathan and Julia and Katherine to be grateful to be here. Sure, we are called to be grateful to God for all our blessings. But kids generally consider "being a part of the family" their birthright. They don't walk around every day feeling "grateful." I don't want Wenxin to be singled out as the one who has to feel especially grateful. It seems even more absurd to expect gratefulness when he got here as a result of loss.

But as for me, I left that conversation feeling grateful. My 11 year old son, who was scared to welcome an adopted brother into his life, has grown to truly love him. Nathan loves Wenxin enough to see past the adoption stereotype of "the grateful adoptee." In this area, he's more mature than a lot of adults I know.

Food and Big Families

2011-02-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

Photo from The Pioneer Woman Cooks

First of all, I realize that whether or not my family qualifies as "big" is a matter of perspective. I think to a lot of folks, four kids make a big family.

And I'm feeling like we are a "big" family. I no longer assume I can casually ask a friend if I can drop my kids off to play for an afternoon. After all, there are four of them. We can no longer have an inexpensive meal at Chik Fil A. There are four of them now and no one wants a Kids Meal anymore. So our inexpensive meal runs over $40. When my parents come to visit, we can no longer all pile in the van for an outing. We have to take two cars.

But we love children and hang out with lots of other adults who love children too, so compared to our friends who have five or six kids, we are small potatoes.

For the sake of this post, I'm going to just go with the fact that we are now a big family and big families eat a lot of food. As the chief cook at our house, I'm struggling to keep up.

Recipe Book Makeover - I'm tired of cooking meals that no one (me included) is excited about. I want my family to have good nutritious food so they'll be healthy. But I'm also going for the shared memories of yummy tastes and smells, that come from eating a really good meal together.

So over Christmas, I began to clean out my recipe book. I actually threw away cards that had meals with too much processed junk in them and meals that were just so-so in my family's opinion. I hung out on the Pioneer Woman Cooks website and found a few new favorites. After a test-run, if a recipe got rave reviews from most of my crew, I printed it and put it in my book. Try these cinnamon rolls - they're the best I've ever tasted. My kids went bananas. You can't really call them "healthy," but for a splurge - they are definitely "memory makers."

One thing I've realized is my family doesn't particularly care for all the down home southern recipes that I grew up with as a child. Sweet potato casserole with all the brown sugar and butter and pecans? No thank you.

But every one of my children loves Asian food. Jasmine rice has become a staple at my house. I tweaked a recipe for a Thai style soup that is full of roasted chicken, lime, red pepper flakes, coconut milk and stinky fish sauce. When I say that we're having Thai soup for dinner, all four kids start doing the happy dance. Pioneer Woman's Lettuce Wraps got rave reviews at my house as well.

Saving $$$ by couponing and stocking up - With four kids I understand the idiom "eating us out of house and home" in a new light. Our family can put away the food. If I just strolled through Publix and bought enough food for the week, the total at checkout would be scary!

For years I resisted using coupons. Mike would bring it up, and I would rant about how much time it would take to go through the Sunday paper and find coupons we'd actually use. Seemed like a lot of work to save 50 cents on a box of cereal.

But the big savings in couponing don't come from just using a random coupon now and then. Big savings come from holding onto your coupons until your grocery store puts an item on sale, then combining the coupons with the sales for rock bottom prices. And when you find a rock bottom price, you stock up.

Here's a real life example from last week. Wenxin loves Campbell's Chunky Grilled Sausage Gumbo Soup. He calls is "spicy rice." He could eat it every day. At Publix, it's $2. 39 a can. But this week, it was Buy One Get One Free. So, it was about $1.20 a can.

But . . . I had a stack of coupons for 50 cents off two cans. That got the price down to 95 cents a can.
So. . . drum roll please. . . I bought 20 cans. Seriously, 20 cans. Actually I bought 22 because I had an extra coupon for $1 off 2 cans and that brought the price down to 70 cents a can.

You should've seen Wenxin's eyes as I stacked all those cans on my shelves in the garage. "Mama bought lots, lots, lots spicy rice!" I actually bought a few cans of other varieties for everyone else, but there was enough "spicy rice" to wow Wenxin. 22 cans can be eaten by my family in 2-3 months and by that time Publix will run another sale on this soup. I should never have to pay $2.39 a can.

Sometimes an item is even FREE if you combine coupons with a store sale. When I come home with items that were FREE, Mike looks at me as if I held up a grocery store.

What makes this incredibly easy is that there are websites that post each grocery chain's weekly sales and tell you what manufacturer coupons are available to match with the sale. My favorites are The Grocery Game (there's a small fee after a free trial) and Southern Savers (totally free.)

So every week, I use the Publix Sales and coupons to stock up on items we use regularly. Then I drive down the road to buy everything else on my list at Walmart - because Walmart's everyday prices are way lower than Publix's if a sale is not involved.

So how about you other moms of big families? What do you do to stretch your food budget? I know I'm writing from a "city girl" perspective. We don't have a garden or farm animals or even a deep freeze - although that's on the list for this year!

And sometimes things don't work. . .

2011-01-31T22:41:00.001-05:00

I just took Nyquil and am heading to bed soon, so I thought I'd go ahead and post for Tuesday.

Lest it sound as if everything is working at our house, here's a typical conversation from a day when I'm trying to homeschool all four kids.

The girl who's doing math: "What's wrong with me? I can't remember 8 + 5."

Me: "Sure you can, Honey. You've known that for a long time."

Wenxin: "I don't have anything to do."

Me: "Here, why don't you draw a picture in your sketchbook until Mommy is ready to teach you."

Girl who's doing chores yells from the bathroom: "Something's wrong with the potty."

Wenxin: "Too hard." Scribbles something and begins to cry.

Me: "That's good, Wenxin. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just do your best."

Wenxin, wailing now: "That IS my best." Mumbles loudly enough for me to hear: "Not good. . . not good at all."

Me: "OK, Honey, why don't you just play for a little while."

Wenxin: "Play what?"

Girl who's doing chores yells from the bathroom: "Don't you care that something is seriously wrong with the potty?"

Girl who can't remember 8 + 5 starts to cry.

Nathan walks by and says, "Mom, do you think it's possible that there really might be parallel universes?"

I utter a silent prayer thanking God that we don't keep firearms in this house.

Hanging on to my sanity by just a thread,

Dana

What's Working for Us #3 - Child Labor

2011-01-31T05:48:00.004-05:00

Child labor is working for us.

I spent much of the fall exhausted from the sheer amount of work required to run our house. I knew that adopting an older child would require a lot of emotional energy but I don't think I really thought about just how much physical energy it would require to clothe, feed and clean up after four kids and two adults.

Then one day, I read something that got me thinking. If I could remember where I read it, I'd give credit where credit's due, but suffice it to say, this is not an original thought. The author said there was a time in American history when kids were seen as a "labor asset." You actually wanted as many kids as possible to have more hands to work your farm. In today's American culture, kids are seen more as an "emotional asset." They are valued for how they make the parent feel and not much work is expected from them. We tend to put our kids on a pedestal and pamper them.

Hmm. Interesting.

Now I'm not saying that I have four kids so they can help me do housework. I have four kids because I love being a parent and I see great value in raising them to be great adults who'll do great things in this world. How many times can I say "great" in one sentence?

But it occurred to me that if I gave each child several small tasks to do daily, it would greatly reduce my workload. I could spend my time homeschooling and cooking good meals and still have a reasonably clean house at the end of the day.

Here's what I came up with: Each child has a list of 8 chores that must be done daily. If everyone completes their chores, I'm given the gift of 32 tasks that I don't have to do! By doing them daily, the kids gain proficiency in their chores and the sense of pride that comes from being able to do a good job "all by myself." I plan to shuffle the chores every couple of months with a transition week in between where the kids train their siblings to take over their old chores.

For example, every day Nathan's list looks like this:

Make bed

Put away stuff on bedroom floor.

Clean off desk and dresser.

Dust bedroom.

Empty all trash cans in house.

Feed fish.

Clean up all toys and trash in the yard.

Put away all school supplies at the end of the day.

Notice that several of Nathan's chores could fall under the heading of "clean your room." But in my experience, kids need specific instructions about what that means. So I broke "clean your room" down into a number of smaller tasks and divided them between the kids who share that room.

Everyone makes his own bed and cleans up his own school supplies at the end of the day. But the other tasks are varied. Julie does a quick cleaning of the kids' bathroom (lucky Julia), Katherine waters plants, Wenxin cleans the sliding glass door. Julia sweeps the sidewalk leading to the front door, Katherine mops the foyer, Wenxin cleans up the back porch. You get the picture.

Obviously, you don't really have to dust every day. But consistency is important, so for the sake of consistency, the same chores are getting done daily.

I made a pretty chore chart from scrapbook paper and framed it in a $5 Hobby Lobby frame and placed it on a stand in the living room. Chores get marked off, right on the glass, with a dry erase marker as they are finished. The pretty chore chart makes it look like a big deal.

This is going so well that Mike and I decided to add a twist. As of this week, we will begin compensating the kids for their chores. Now that everyone has finished "job training," they are qualified to "get paid." Starting today, everyone has until 6 pm to finish their chores. At 6 pm, I'll take a look at the chart, inspect the house, and record who finished and who didn't. On Saturday night, Mike and I will sit down with them and each child will get $1 for each day they completed all chores. If they completed them all 6 days, they'll get a $1 bonus. So they have the opportunity to earn $7/week.

One thing I explained to them is that "in our family everyone works." While they are getting paid to do these chores, there will be many times I ask them to do extra work simply because they are in the family. On those occasions, they aren't allowed to say, "How much will you pay me?"

So that's it for this morning. Two posts in two days. I'm on a roll. See you back tomorrow!

I'm Back

2011-01-30T16:21:00.004-05:00

It's been over a month since my last post. After Christmas, I promised to help Mike with a writing project and I promised myself that I wouldn't blog anymore until I filled that commitment.

What was I thinking? I love blogging. It's easy. I can do it at night after the kids are in bed or in the wee hours of the morning before they get up. Mike's project required hours of concentrated effort and I didn't find those hours until yesterday. I worked all day while he ran interference with the kids.

So I'm back. And I hope to post to this blog every day this week.

Lots has happened in my absence.

Wenxin celebrated his eighth birthday. This photo was taken the day after his party. Although we just invited two neighborhood friends over for hot dogs and cake, it was still somewhat overwhelming for him and he didn't really want to pose for photos.

More excitement this month when Mike took out the trash early one Friday morning and noticed a seven foot alligator under his car. Here it is after the "gator hunter" shot it and pulled it out onto the street. Only in Florida! That would've made a great blog post all by itself.

Wenxin's been home four months and what a difference four months can make. Mike and I are amazed at how well he's doing. It seems like he's been a part of our family much longer than four months.

Still, I want to be careful about celebrating prematurely. Do you remember the news coverage of George W. Bush standing on the aircraft carrier declaring victory in the Iraq War? Afterwards he was ridiculed because the actual fighting continued for years. So while we're enjoying a degree of normalcy in our family life once again, we want to remember that it's only been four months. Just four months.

Tomorrow I'll blog again: "What's Working for Us #3"

What's Working for Us #2 - Teaching about Family

2010-12-22T23:58:00.000-05:00

Lots of times when I need to correct Wenxin's behavior, I preface my correction with the phrase, "in our family." For example, "In our family, we use kind words," or "In our family, we don't hurt each other." We don't punish bad behavior until we've taught the correct behavior. And we usually teach it in the context of "our family."

Children who've been living in state care, don't automatically know how to live in a family. It's the job of parents to teach them what family means.

As I go through my day to day life taking care of Wenxin, I often explain to him that "this is what Mama's do." When he falls down and scrapes his knee I scoop him up and whisper that he'll be OK. I clean his knee and apply first aid cream and a colorful band-aid. All the while, I'm narrating, "Mama's take care of their children when the children get hurt. That's what Mama's do."

What's Working for Us - Part One of a Series

2010-12-22T10:23:00.002-05:00

We've been home 3 months and I've decided to write a little series of blog posts about what's working for us. I'm not writing these posts because I'm suddenly an expert. I'm not. I'm writing now because I'm a new adoptive parent who's still in the thick of things. It's not years after the fact when I look back and only remember the good stuff. It's right now, and we're still slogging through each day.

But some things are working. None of these ideas are original, but they are currently being tested and found true in our household.

#1 - Find safe, playful, loving ways to touch your older internationally adopted child.

We did not expect seven year old Wenxin to immediately want to be held or cuddled by us. When we walked into the orphanage in Beijing, someone brought him in and said, "Say Mama and Baba," and minutes later we left with him. It was all so quick. Suddenly we were a family. But we were still strangers.

Wenxin went with us willingly, but did he really have any choice? He was pretty happy, but hyperactive -- on constant alert. I remember wondering if I'd ever be able to snuggle up with him like I do with my other kids.

One of the first things we taught him, was how to play "thumb war." Within a couple of days he could say with us, "One, two, three four, let's have a thumb war. Five, six, seven, eight, open up the battle gate." Playing this game over and over was a fun, safe way for us to touch and hold hands and just get used to each other.

In the same way, Mike carried Wenxin on his shoulders almost everywhere we went in China.

We held hands when we walked together.

I brought lavender baby lotion and every night after his bath, I'd sit on the bed with him and "lotion him up" from head to toe. He loved it and would remind me about his lotion if I forgot.

Later, after we were home, I taught him a little baby nursery rhyme. I trace circles on his tummy as I say, "Round and round the circle goes the teddy bear. One step, two step, tickle Wenxin up there." Wenxin is almost eight, but he loves this and wants to do it before bedtime each night. Then he runs over to Mike for "This little piggy. . . " These fun little games that all American parents play with their babies seem to fill Wenxin's emotional tank.

Lastly, we sleep with him. I'm not sure if Wenxin's ever slept alone. As a baby, he slept in the bed with his foster mom. Families sleep together in Asia; cribs are a Western thing. Later, he slept in the orphanage in a room full of boys. Mike lies down with Wenxin at night in Wenxin's bed and stays with him until he falls asleep. I tell Wenxin that when he wakes up in the night, he may come get in bed with us. That way, he has the security of knowing we are always available to sleep with him, but we still get at least part of the night without a squirmy child in our bed. Even though it would be more comfortable for us to have him totally sleep on his own, night-time parenting gives us lots of opportunities to snuggle and hold him and help him feel safe as he sleeps.

Three months of this kind of safe, fun, high-touch parenting have produced a much more relaxed child who loves nothing more than to snuggle with his mama. Lots of safe, playful, loving touch is working for us.

Oh December !

2010-12-21T12:59:00.002-05:00

December happened. It happens every year. Decorating. Buying gifts for all the kids. Shipping gifts for family out of town. Teacher gifts. Christmas parties. End of the quarter school projects. Out of town travel for Christmas? If we go up north, do all six of us have enough warm clothes? Drive or fly? Weekend soccer tournaments. Big brother's birthday. Should we have a party? Will anyone come at this time of year? Trying to stay on budget. Christmas cards - we send over 300. What about lights on the outside of the house? Shipping deadlines.

I love Christmas. I love the music. I love the magic. I love decorating the tree and remembering each and every ornament. But since becoming a mom, Christmas has morphed into my most stressful time of year. I know it shouldn't be that way. I vow to keep things simple. I try.

This year I entered the Christmas season already drained. Parenting Wenxin has been a wonderfully exhausting adventure. Enough said, except did I mention that he has a December birthday as well?

Thanksgiving weekend was devoted to the Christmas card photo. My goal was to put up my tree the next Friday. Wednesday afternoon found me sitting outdoors in freezing Florida weather watching the girls practice for the upcoming weekend's soccer tournament. That evening as I worked on the computer my neck got stiff. By bedtime my left shoulder and arm were hurting. The pain kept me up most of the night. Thursday morning I wasn't any better and began to feel tightness in my chest. Hoping he'd call in a muscle relaxer for me, we contacted my doctor who promptly sent me to the emergency room.

After an overnight stay in the hospital, I was declared to have a very healthy heart. The best guess was that I had muscle pain, most likely brought on by stress. I went home on Friday night, only to get up early on Saturday for a weekend of soccer.

At some point that weekend, we set the tree in the living room. I was too busy to decorate it on Monday. Our home school day just ran too long. I set my sights on Tuesday night. But come Tuesday night, I was back at an urgent care clinic with a bacterial infection. I started antibiotics only to find out a few days later that I had a strain of bacteria that was resistant to the medicine I was taking. On a different antibiotic, I finally began to feel better.

Mike made a decision that we'd stay home this Christmas - even though he really had hoped to take Wenxin to meet his side of the family.

At some point the tree got decorated. It's all a blur to me now.

It's indeed magical. Possibly the prettiest tree we've ever had.

For the next week or so, I put out a few more simple decorations each day. No rush.

Christmas cards from friends and family around the world hang from winter tree branches. Mike thinks this is hideous and can't believe I put it on the blog. He says it looks like it should be in someone's front yard along with the cars up on blocks.

My parents came down for a week and celebrated an early Christmas with us. Wenxin met them at the car and actually hugged them. I was amazed. He met them briefly when he came home from China and hasn't seen them since. But he warmed right up to them and Mike and I were able to go out on our first date since the adoption in September.

Nathan turned eleven. We were able to give him an amazing lazer tag birthday. We have too many kids to let everyone have a big party each year. So most years, we celebrate as a family and the birthday child gets to invite one special friend to celebrate with us. But this was Nathan's year for a big blow-out birthday with friends.

So a lot of the big stuff is done. Tree's up, school's out, presents are shipped, Christmas cards mailed, Nathan's birthday celebrated in a big way and 2010 soccer's completely over. I can finally catch my breath. I'm looking forward to some quiet days at home. And I hope to catch up on blogging. There's so much to share about all I'm learning along the way.

Mission Accomplished!

2010-11-29T22:05:00.010-05:00

The elusive Christmas card photo! It becomes more elusive with each new child. And then, add Wenxin to the mix. Click here to see our first family photo. All you can see of Wenxin is the top of his head.

But recently, he's been looking at old family photos and commenting that they are missing a very important person -- HIM!

He's also pointed out that in our new family photo, he plans to be the child sitting on Mama's lap. Not Katherine or Julia, but -- you got it, Wenxin.

So I played it up. "Mama wants a family photo with Wenxin on Mama's lap." He began to warm up to the idea.

We decided to take the photo in our back yard to minimize stress. Yes, that broken down old fence is in my backyard. It's my neighbor's fence that was blown down by Hurricane Charley in 2004. All that's left is a panel or two, and I guess it makes a nice backdrop if you want a casual rustic look for your Christmas card picture.

Thirty minutes beforehand, I fed Wenxin one of his favorite meals. I tried to change his clothes. When he put on the shirt I requested, but balked at the pants, I just backed off.

Then I promised him that if he smiled nicely so Mama could have a good photo of our family, he could have a whole pack of bubble gum.

At first things did not look promising. When we all smiled, he scowled.

Then we tried another approach. "Let's all make angry faces." And here's what we got.

He ran behind the fence and peeked through a hole. . .

And hung upside down like a monkey. . .

It was kind of contagious.

Finally, all our efforts paid off. I think we have a winner. Coming soon to mailboxes everywhere!

Christmas Cookies Christmas

Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Getting Festive

2010-11-24T18:04:00.000-05:00

Ready for feasting tomorrow.

Ready to celebrate for the whole next month.

More Critters - The Joys of Living in Florida!

2010-11-24T12:32:00.002-05:00

Butterfly Encounter

2010-11-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

Downloaded from Wenxin's Camera

2010-11-19T22:37:00.029-05:00

Wenxin takes that little camera and documents everyday life at our house: the good, the bad and the ugly. The fat, the tired, even wrinkles and nose hairs. Yep, he likes extreme close-ups, but I'll spare you. Guess I'm really trying to spare me.

We've been having really long homeschool days.

Daddy was brave enough to get a haircut, and we have about 30 photos to prove it.

Look what happened next.

Didn't I make a rule against stuff like this?

Wenxin's getting way too good at the Wii.

The TV provides endless photo ops.

Conversations that Wear Me Out

2010-11-09T17:16:00.003-05:00

I'll probably never publish this post. This is probably just a chance to vent a little and then hit "delete."

A lot of my conversations these days end up wearing me out.

It usually starts with someone asking a "why" question about Wenxin's adjustment. I try to briefly explain things about older child adoption that it's taken me over a year to learn. A year of reading tons of books and blogs. A year of talking with other adoptive parents. Plus two months of actually getting to know my new son and reading more and asking more questions of folks who've "been there done that."

I offer my best "short answer." Then. . .

Raised eyebrows. An objection. A concerned look.

The most tiresome are the conversations where I feel the need to defend something that goes against what a person would normally think. Like . . .

- the fact that Wenxin would not like to meet the Chinese person they know and talk to them in Chinese. (I got this one wrong initially. I thought he'd like to talk to Chinese people in Chinese. Not sure what it triggers in his little mind, but right now he doesn't seem to want to go there.)

- the fact that even though he's 7 1/2, he's still terrified of doctors and dentists. And strangers, even when they are family friends.

- the fact that we don't feel it's best to force him to switch to an American name unless he wants to switch.

- the fact that while Wenxin faces many challenges, learning English is not one of them. Language learning is coming naturally.

- the fact that we aren't going to "spank" for the behavior they just observed because we are starting from square one teaching Wenxin how to live in a family. We're also not going to send him to his room.

It's probably tiring too because it brings up all kinds of insecurity in me. Because while I've read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people, Wenxin is a unique individual with a unique history. There are no "cookie-cutter" answers. So when someone questions my judgement, I wonder, "Am I doing this wrong?"

And that's exhausting.

It's the Smile

2010-11-05T17:17:00.000-04:00

I posted this crazy"bath-time hair" photo on my Facebook earlier today. One of my soccer friends who's seen Wenxin several times a week ever since he came home commented that he looked "different." He looks different to me to too. At first I thought it was just the wet hair. And then it hit me. . . it's that enormous ear to ear smile.

It's not his normal look.

Of course this photo was taken in the bath. You may remember that bath-time, especially bath-time with bubbles, has always had a magical effect on Wenxin.

I'm looking forward to the day when big smiles like this are spontaneous and frequent.

Saved by a Meatloaf

2010-11-04T00:51:00.004-04:00

Take a naturally beautiful girl. Add a famous hairstyle, mom's new white bathrobe, her brother's Nerf gun and what do you get? One beautiful Princess Leia look alike on October 31.

We made it through Halloween - whew! Four kids, four costumes, one newly adopted son who melted down and refused to dress up, but enjoyed trick or treating anyway. Now, I'm probably going to gain ten pounds, sneaking candy from the kids' bags tucked away high on top of the fridge.

We've been home from China six weeks now. I'm wondering if six weeks is the standard point where new adoptive parents just bottom out?

This week I've been hit by a wave of exhaustion. The last six weeks (and the 2 1/2 before in China) have been intense and I don't see an end in sight.

I was saved this week by a meatloaf. A friend at work made it for us and sent it home ready to pop in the freezer for future use. I heated it up tonight and it filled my house with a yummy smell. Tasted great too!

So many different people have prayed for us and served us in practical ways. From helping us get ready by painting our house to delivering home cooked meals and restaurant gift cards our first month home - the body of Christ has been a blessing to us.

Do you have a heart for the orphans of the world and yet feel that God is not calling you personally to adopt? Maybe God is calling you to help by coming alongside a family who is adopting. This link from Focus on the Family shares practical ways the church can help in a little booklet called Wrapping Around Adoptive Families: How to Provide Support to those Called to Adopt. Take a look!

Posted on the Fridge; Carried in the Car

2010-10-23T21:34:00.027-04:00

Take a closer look. There's the good -- stuff we really like in our family.

And then, there's the bad. Truth, be told, the whole point of this little poster is to get Wenxin to quit sticking out his tongue so much. O.K., so he still grabs stuff every now and then, but that's a lot better. And fighting has never really been a problem. I wanted there to be a rule that he already keeps almost all the time so he'd feel proud of himself.

Wenxin loves this. He attempts to draw the pictures. He tried to explain it to some of our friends at soccer today. And we've seen a dramatic decrease in "sticking out his tongue" at everyone, because in our family -- we just don't do that.

Mama Likes Chinese!

2010-10-18T09:09:00.002-04:00

I noticed last week that Wenxin had begun to say, "Wenxin, no Chinese. Wenxin English." If anyone said he was Chinese, he would say, "No." He even said, "Wenxin, no Chinese. Mama Chinese." OK, so now I'm the Chinese one in the family.

I get it. Everyone wants to fit in.

So I've begun a "Chinese is good /Mama likes Chinese" campaign at our house. At random times throughout the day, I'll scoop up Wenxin and say, " Nathan, Julia and Katherine only speak one language, but Wenxin can speak two! Wenxin speaks English and Wenxin speaks Chinese. Chinese is good! Mama likes Chinese!"

I think he believes me. Occasionally, he'll come up and out of the blue, he'll teach me the Chinese word for something. He'll listen as I repeat it and help me with my pronounciation.

Chinese is good. Mama likes Chinese.

Fall Fun in Florida

2010-10-17T15:19:00.011-04:00

One of the best things about living in Central Florida is that the beach is only forty minutes away. Another good thing is that mid-October in Central Florida feels like late Spring in other parts of the country. So you can spend most of Saturday cleaning house and running errands and still make a late afternoon beach run. Yep, when we should've been pulling the scarecrow and fake pumpkins down from the attic, we ended up doing this instead.

The beach is always magical. But it's especially magical for a seven year old who's exploring it for the first time.

This has been long week. Wenxin had four hopelessly decayed baby teeth extracted and two more teeth filled. Poor kid. Thank goodness for anesthesia and the tooth fairy and dental insurance. Katherine and Nathan had throat infections. Actually, Nathan still has a throat infection and went to the beach with a fever. We're not really bad parents, but with four kids ages 6-10, if we wait for everyone to be totally well, it may be next summer before we get out of the house.

As the sun went down, leaving us wet and chilly (especially feverish Nathan), we flew this cool kite we bought at Olympic Village in Beijing. Did you know kites were invented in Ancient China?

Our New Normal

2010-10-17T14:18:00.003-04:00

Here's a little summary of our "new normal" as a family.

What's working: Food. I'm committed to have healthy food constantly available. We have three meals and three snacks every day. Usually for snacks I put three to six healthy choices in these divided serving dishes and let each kid fill their own snack plate. I leave the leftovers on the counter so they can graze if needed.

I want Wenxin to know that there will always be food at our house. So far, I haven't seen any hoarding or other food related problems that are common with post-institutionalized kids. I try to respond quickly if he says he's hungry, even if it's close to meal time. He's been super-easy to feed as he likes most fruits, veggies and meats. He also seems pretty proud of himself that he can eat super spicy foods with his mom. I made a really spicy Thai soup one night and he pointed out that he was able to eat it while some of the other kids opted for Mac n Cheese. And no, we haven't ordered Chinese carry-out yet. : )

What's not a problem: Language. This is the thing that would probably surprise most people. We pantomime everything, but Wenxin already understands a lot of what we say. He says new words every day and is speaking to us in simple sentences. For language learning, total immersion is the way to go. It also doesn't hurt to be a kid who's brain is still wired for language learning.

An interesting thing happened. After Wenxin had been home two weeks, I invited a friend who speaks Mandarin to come over and speak with him. I thought she could translate and help us have a deeper level conversation. Wenxin would have none of it. He was totally rude to her. I've had several other adoptive parents say their newly adopted kids reacted to similar situations the same way. Which brings me to my next thought. . .

What's been challenging: Going anywhere with Wenxin. He does great in our home (provided there aren't any visitors.) But going anywhere is a challenge. He is more likely to have a tantrum when we're out. And his default reaction to any adult who dares smile and speak to him is extreme rudeness.

So when we're out, I'm faced with two uncomfortable challenges. The first, is simply dealing with the tantrum or rudeness or other bad behavior. The second, is dealing with the behavior in front of an audience.

My first trip to the grocery store with Wenxin ended with me requesting help to get my groceries to the car. I couldn't push the cart, because I had to bodily carry Wenxin (he's 7 1/2) from the store. When I bought a pack of gum for Wenxin and Katherine to share, instead of buying them each a pack of gum like he insisted, he began to whine and staged a "sit-down strike" in the front of the store.

Last Saturday at soccer, he got ready to go home, and we still had one game left. As Mike coached and Katherine played, Wenxin had a meltdown. He stood in the hot Florida noonday sun and refused to come under the tent where I was sitting with another family. He complained loudly about the heat. If I got within a foot of him, he screamed louder. This went on for at least thirty minutes, and for much of that time he was having an all -out screaming, flailing tantrum. Finally, the tantrum subsided and he let me comfort him.

What do I make of this behavior? The short answer is I believe that while Wenxin is physically and mentally a 7 1/2 year old, emotionally he's about a three year old. I think that a lot of adoption research would support that possibility.

I don't pretend to comprehend it all, but there's a lot that suggests early trauma and neglect profoundly affect kids. There's a reason God made babies to be held and snuggled, to have their needs quickly met by loving parents. There's a reason God made little kids to live in stable families where they are loved and taught and trained by the same adults year after year after year.

Wenxin didn't have all that. And keep in mind the huge trauma he's undergone in the last month as a result of being adopted by us. I believe it's for the best and he seems very happy in our family, but think about it: new parents, new country, new language, new everything. And poof! All the old friends and places are suddenly gone for good. Even though he's enjoying his new home and family, there is trauma all the same.

We keep all this in mind as we decide how to respond to Wenxin's tantrums. He can't help any of what's happened to him. We go back over and over again to our books on parenting kids from the "hard places" and we lean on the "gentle advice" of a network of other parents who've adopted older Chinese kids.

We don't use harsh punishment. We carry him because that's what you'd do with a three year old, and emotionally, that's where he's at. He responds to being carried. He asks to be carried.

We teach and we train. We set limits. But at this point, we don't expect him to behave like other kids his chronological age.

It probably looks "soft" to the people who've parented their kids since birth. Everybody in the audience probably doesn't approve, and that's OK.

Most of the books advise staying close to home for the first few months after an international adoption. They advise simplifying your lifestyle and cutting things from your schedule even as you go into the second year. It totally makes sense to me now. It really, really makes sense.

Dinosaurs

2010-10-05T21:56:00.002-04:00

I'm loving being Wenxin's mom. Tonight, he actually let me read TWO books in English to him. The second was a little board book called How Do Dinosaurs Clean Their Rooms? We've read it several times and he's memorized the ending. As I started to read it, he grabbed another book off the coffee table: a dinosaur encyclopedia that Nathan had been reading earlier. He began to look at the fun childish illustrations in the board book and try to find the "real" dinosaurs in the encyclopedia. And he was successful several times. Then he grabbed the magna-doodle and asked me to help him draw some of the dinosaurs. He was so excited and engaged. This is the same kid who seemed to have about a 10 second attention span when we met him a month ago. He is relaxing and settling down. I can see a very bright boy in there!

Amazing

2010-09-29T08:58:00.002-04:00

Wenxin is an amazing kid. I'm amazed at how quickly he learns. He watches us and quickly adapts to our ways. Yesterday, I noticed he called Mike "Daddy" a few times instead of the Chinese term, "Baba." He's been listening.

If I were in his shoes, I'd be stressed beyond belief by all the changes. I'm sure he is stressed to some degree, but he seems resilient and flexible. He's eating and sleeping and playing and laughing.

And he keeps blowing me out of the water by helping. After dinner last night, everyone ran off to play and Wenxin stuck around and cleared the table - without being asked. This morning he asked if he could sweep the floors. I gave him a dust mop for the wood floors and minutes later he presented me with a big pile of fuzzy crud that he'd swept up -- he even moved the bar stools and swept all the crumbs under the bar.

At dinner, if he notices that Mike and I are low on drinks, he runs to the fridge and comes back with the soda or juice or whatever and refills our glasses! I'm not kidding.

Maybe it's genetic - because the kids who got my genes. . . the constant helping without being asked? Doesn't seem to be in their DNA.

The Ups and Downs and All Arounds

2010-09-28T18:23:00.008-04:00

This made my day.

Wenxin let me teach him how to write his name in English and then. . . he drew our family. First there's Mike, and then me in the green. I love the details - holding hands with a heart between us. Next, holding on to my leg, is Wenxin. Then Nathan and Katherine. Finally Julia - squeezed in between Mike and me.

Looks like big ears run in our family.

That sweet drawing put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

We didn't start off so well

This morning I tried to have "story-time" for Katherine and Wenxin. I picked fun, simple English books. I read Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop in my silliest dramatic voice.

It was going really well. Wenxin was engaged. He was laughing.

And then he began to grab for the book. I said, "No," and continued to read and hold the book up for both kids to see. More grabbing. And then whining. When I insisted on holding the book, Wenxin turned his back to me and sat facing the other way. Then he walked off. Poor Katherine was left having to listen to Hop on Pop. Wenxin walked past us a time or two and made vomiting noises in our direction. Then he ran by and slapped Katherine on the top of the head. Mike and I intervened and gave Katherine lots of loving and had Wenxin apologize to her.

Our days have lots of ups and downs.

Yesterday, we learned that Wenxin enjoys jigsaw puzzles.

It's the first thing I've found that he enjoys doing by himself.

A highlight of today was writing letters and numbers in shaving cream.

The winner for the low point of the whole past week was the first day we tried to take Wenxin to the doctor. I say "first day" because it took two tries before we actually got him there.

I'd called our pediatrician to schedule a post-adoption check up for Wenxin. While we were on the phone I mentioned he was running a fever. (I don't freak out about fevers when kids otherwise feel fine. I was not planning on taking him to the doctor.)

Since Wenxin was just adopted from overseas, the doctor wanted to see him right away. I called Mike to come home from work to stay with the other kids while I took Wenxin to his appointment. Then I made a fatal mistake. I asked Mike to explain to Wenxin where we were going.

We bought a cool toy in Beijing. It's a pen that reads special books in both English and Mandarin. Mike got the vocabulary book and touched the word that said "sick." Wenxin listened to the word for sick in Mandarin and agreed that he felt sick. Then Mike said, "Mama will take you to the _____," and he touched the word for "doctor."

Wenxin immediately began to say "no" over and over. He began to touch his head and say, "Mama, no ouch!" He smiled his biggest smile to show me he was just fine. Then, when we continued to put on his shoes, he went berserk!

We'd get one shoe on and the other shoe would go flying across the room. He was sobbing and fighting and clawing. It became clear that there was no way I'd be able to drive him safely to the doctor.

So I called the doctor and cancelled.

When Wenxin became convinced he was out of danger, he began to say, "Mama - sleep please."

The calm after the storm

The next morning, Mike and I packed a backpack full of toys and snacks and drinks and together, we took Wenxin to see the doctor. We decided it was a "two parent" job. We decided not to announce exactly where we were going. And this time, he did great. We're learning.

It's Been A Week

2010-09-26T09:35:00.001-04:00

It's been a week since we've been home and days since I've blogged. Part of it is that I can't do it the way I did in China - with decent writing and lots of interesting photos.

We've landed in the "real world" where we are jet-lagged. We have a new son who gets up at 3 a.m. each morning. We have three other children who still have to eat, have clean clothes, be home schooled, be driven to soccer practice and games five days a week -- well, you get the picture. There's no more Chinese guide, no driver, no fine Chinese restaurants for every meal, no hotel maid, no laundry service. We're tired with a capital "T."

So for right now, I'll do what I always do when I don't have time to write an interesting blog post. I'll link to someone else's work.

Her (Chinese) Name tells the story of two Chinese girls adopted into the same family and their very different responses to their Chinese names. What's really interesting to me is that the girls' feelings about their Chinese names changed over time.

Wen Xin is still going by Wen Xin and as we introduce him as Wen Xin to more and more friends and family, I find myself wondering if he will go by his Chinese name forever. And since we put Joseph Michael on his adoption documents I'm wondering what will be involved to include Wenxin (it's actually one name made up of two Chinese characters) as part of his legal name.

And how do I keep people from nicknaming him "Wen" because right now we already have "Joseph" and "Joseph Michael" and "Wenxin" and "Xin Xin" (his Chinese nickname) -- and I really don't want to add any more names to the mix?

People have strong opinions about his name. Some people don't understand why we didn't include Wenxin on his legal documents from the get go. And some people don't understand why we aren't just insisting that he use his American name. I actually overheard a family member tell Katherine that she should just go ahead and start calling him Joseph whether he liked it or not.

Right now, our best Mama and Baba wisdom says that this is not the biggest issue we're facing. We think that as he settles in to his new life in America, he'll be the best judge of what he should be called. So much has changed in his life in such a short time. We're not going to insist on changing his name.

Watch Out, America: Here I Come!

2010-09-21T09:09:00.002-04:00

Fan Wen Xin, aka Joseph Michael Ball, became a U.S. citizen September 18 at U.S. customs and immigration in Washington Dulles Airport. Keep your eyes on this little guy. He's gonna go far!

Sunday was Family Day! We hung out with the grandparents and all wore our Chinese t-shirts. Wen Xin decided to dodge the paparazzi once more.

Monday was a home school day. My, aren't we hard core! No, we're not, but we didn't really have a choice. We home school as part of The International Community School in Winter Park FL. We work off their lesson plans and schedule and Julia and Nathan go to school on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, there aren't any days off when new brothers come home from China. And I think the structure may actually be helping Wen Xin.

Airport Photos

2010-09-20T18:05:00.002-04:00

Photos courtesy of Karen Smutz and Hallie Mitchell

First Night with all 4 Kids under the Same Roof!

2010-09-19T08:36:00.002-04:00

We touched down in Orlando just before midnight - almost 30 minutes early. Wondering if anyone would be there to meet us yet, we made our way slowly to baggage claim. But as soon as we exited the gates, 20 of our friends and family were there to meet us with Nathan, Julia and Katherine right out front!

Wen Xin passed out bags of Skittles to his new brothers and sisters and even gave away the bag I bought for him. He played. He allowed himself to be photographed. He smiled and spoke to all his new grandparents. It was perfect!

I've been thinking about who came. Three new brothers and sisters and three new grandparents. A family from our school with two internationally adopted children. Hallie and Karen, my long- time friends who are both adoptive moms. I was privileged to be at the airport when their kids came home and they were there for me. Brings tears to my eyes. Karen left an event where she was working as a photographer to come over to the airport and photograph Wen Xin's homecoming. Hallie's whole family - husband, kids, grandma- drove in from St. Augustine and stayed at the airport hotel just to be with us.

Mike's team from work was there. Ann, who speaks fluent Mandarin, knelt down and talked with Wen Xin for a while.

Not sure what time we got home - but we let the kids play for a long time. Nathan and Julia went to bed first. We forced Katherine and Wen Xin to go to bed at 3:30 a.m. Mike and I turned in at 4:30 a.m. At a little after 7, Wen Xin was up -- going strong. Since I've been writing this, he's successfully woken up the girls. He shook their bunk beds until they got up.

Favorite quotes from the night:
Nathan - "Laughing is international."
Julia - "This is the best day of my life."
Katherine - "Wen Xin, we don't stand on the furniture. Bu Yao! (not good)" and "Sometimes kids know better than parents." The latter was spoken in objection to being made to go to bed at 3:30 a.m. as opposed to continuing to play with her new brother.

So I'm working off 2 1/2 hours sleep and wondering how I'm going to keep up with this little Asian tornado today.

Signing off from China

2010-09-17T20:55:00.000-04:00

In a little over an hour, we'll climb on a van for the airport. Guangzhou to Beijing; Beijing to Washington D.C.; Washington to Orlando. We arrive after midnight at 12:20 am on September 19. We've asked the grandparents to bring our other kids to the airport to welcome Wen Xin home. Any friends who can stay up that late are welcome to meet us as well.

Wonder what that's going to be like? He'll be exhausted from 20 plus hours on a plane. And he'll be in a new place where no one is speaking Chinese anymore. I hope friends and family will cut him some slack if he's less than friendly. I don't expect he'll run up and give everyone a hug. Would be nice, but. .. not very likely.

We're ready. This time in China has been so good. I absolutely love Asia! But now it's time to go.

Wen Xin seems really really happy. I'm certain he likes us. He still doesn't do "first time obedience," - or 40th time obedience for that matter. But we'll work on that when we get home.

We are feeling like a family.

So. . . See you in Orlando!

Red Couch Photos

2010-09-17T00:58:00.002-04:00

It's a tradition at the White Swan Hotel for adopted kids to get their photos taken on a red sofa in the lobby. I wasn't even going to try. Wen Xin seems a little old to get all dressed up in a prissy traditional Chinese outfit. And you know how he feels about being photographed.

But I caved.

And I'm really glad I did.

We bribed him with Coke.

I think it's also tradition for the whole family to do a portrait together on the red sofa, but that would be really pushing it.

We had the shop-owner who sold us the outfit convince Wen Xin it was really cool.

Did I mention that the White Swan is a really nice hotel? Here are a few lobby photos.

Wonder if Wen Xin thinks this is where we live all the time?

Better Day for the Paparazzi

2010-09-15T21:22:00.003-04:00

We went to the Guangzhou Zoo.

Wen Xin fed the giraffes.

We went shopping with Ann from Red Thread China. Ann's a tiny woman who walks faster than anyone I've ever met. And she's an amazing shopping guide. At the jade and pearl markets, she helped us buy beautiful things wholesale: 75-80% off the prices in local shops. I highly recommend her.

In the evening, we took a dinner cruise down the Pearl River. It was Wen Xin's first time on a boat.

The menu included duck feet.

One of my men ate them as a joke and one of my men enjoyed every bite!

And of course, the day wouldn't be complete without the nightly photo in the bubble bath.

Wen Xin and the Paparazzi

2010-09-14T08:42:00.002-04:00

Have you noticed that a lot of my photos of Wen Xin are taken from behind? This kid has a crazy new momma who wants to photograph his every move, and at the moment, he's just not having any of that!

This afternoon we went to the Six Banyan Temple.

I photographed big fat Buddhas.

I photographed pagodas.

But when it came to photographing my son, I got half a dozen photos that look something like this.

He's become an expert at dodging the paparazzi.

In fact, there's only one time that he will willingly pose for the camera.

2010-09-14T02:47:00.003-04:00

Wen Xin and I walked to a local park this morning while Mike caught up on e-mail in the room.

He really loved climbing on everything. It makes sense when you think about where he's been living for the past 2 years. We were told that the orphanage houses 1000 kids. We asked if the children were allowed to play outside. We were told they got some time in the courtyard every day.

We saw the courtyard. It's a paved area in front of the orphanage. Now keep in mind I was totally overwhelmed the day we visited. We'd been in China less than 24 hours and were there to meet and leave with our new son. It was raining. Traffic was bad so we got out and walked in the rain the last half mile or so. But the best I remember that courtyard, it was just a paved area in front of the orphanage. No grass. No trees. No playground equipment. Maybe I misunderstand the situation. But if the only place he's had to play outside for the past two years is that courtyard, I can see why he loves the park.

I was especially pleased to see how sweet he was to the younger children. This was more of a preschool playground and all the kids were younger than him. He helped several toddlers on the slide. He's fast and rough, but he always was careful around the little kids. I was very impressed.

We continue to gather pieces of Wen Xin's history. Yesterday he told our guide about his foster family, where he lived until he was five. Up until yesterday, he insisted that he'd never lived anywhere besides the orphanage. We learned that he had a foster mom, but no foster dad, and that there were a number of other kids in the home. We learned he slept with the foster mom and a younger sister. That makes so much sense to me. At night, when he's sleepy, he drops the "tough guy" stance and hugs and snuggles. He loves to sleep next to you. It seems like he's had experience sleeping in a safe place with someone who loves him. I would think that a kid who's always slept alone in the orphanage wouldn't automatically snuggle up with you.

Oh, and we learned the family had a dog -- but no chicken. The guide asked about a chicken to determine if his foster family lived in the city or the country. Wen Xin said he went to kindergarten and his foster mom dropped him off and picked him up every day.

Now grown-ups know that foster care is usually a temporary solution. But little kids don't know that. It breaks my heart to think that in December 2008, Wen Xin was taken from the only home he could remember and placed back in the orphanage pending adoption. (We began the process to adopt him in August of 09.) He was moved into an institution with 1000 kids and placed with the "other disabled boys."

That's another thing I've been angry about since I've been here. We received a certificate thanking us for adopting a "disabled child." Wen Xin had a hernia repair when he was a toddler. And he has some burn scars. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this child. He runs and plays and is incredibly bright. He has 20/20 vision. He's not disabled in any way. It makes me mad just to think about it.

My "go to" book about adoption and attachment these days is The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Dr. Purvis says, "Adopted and foster children deserve deep compassion and respect for what they may have endured before they were welcomed into your home. . . Certainly, your children may exhibit manipulative or assertive behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enabled them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances."

I have great hope for Wen Xin. He's already settled down quite a bit from those first few days. And he's an English learning machine. We aren't drilling English - no flashcards here. He just learns it as he needs it. Here's his English vocabulary so far:

Let's go!

Hello.

By-by.

Up please.

Down please.

I'm sorry.

No.

Thank-you.

You're welcome. (But, it comes out more like "You're Wonko.")

Just a minute.

apple

pear

watermelon

We've learned some Chinese too. But in the language learning department, he's going to beat us hands down.

A few thoughts. . .

2010-09-13T06:16:00.000-04:00

I hope to blog more after dinner, but today was Wen Xin's medical exam. He is very healthy but had to have four immunization shots and a TB test. Ouch! He was very brave. Then Mike accidentally spilled scalding water on his hand. That brought tears. Thought Mike might cry as well.

Wen Xin and I have been going down to breakfast before Mike each morning and as I sat there this morning watching all the adopted kids and their families, I couldn't help but think that my son was the most handsome of them all. I know I'm biased. But I'm pretty sure it's still true. : )

I read a great article on attachment today that reminded me that real attachment takes a long long time. You can read it here.

Say What?

2010-09-12T02:27:00.004-04:00

At The White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou, all adopted kids receive a special gift from Mattel. . . American Barbie and her Chinese baby.

When you adopt in China, all roads home must pass through Guangzhou. That's where the American Consulate that processes visas for adopted Chinese kids is located. The White Swan, a beautiful five star hotel on the Pearl River, caters to adoptive parents. Thus, the partnership with Mattel and the free Barbie.

I saw all shapes and sizes of exhausted adoptive moms at breakfast this morning. I can't say I saw any that looked anything like that Barbie : )

And c'mon Mattel. I know you make some toys for boys.

Arrived in Guangzhou

2010-09-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

Ok. So I was a little less than thrilled to be flying to Guangzhou on September 11. But like I told my kids, it’s probably the safest day of the year to fly.

But then we boarded our flight at 2:30 pm and proceeded to sit at the gate for FOUR HOURS. They fed us twice and showed a couple of Chinese movies. And didn't tell us anything.

I went ahead and asked. “Could you tell me why we haven’t taken off yet?”

“The air,” she replied.

The air outside our window looked great. Nice and sunny.

So we sat there and wondered what had happened and where?

Turns out we really were delayed because of weather. We arrived in Guangzhou at 9:52 pm instead of 6 pm.

Wen Xin had never been on a plane before. I bet he's thinking, "It's really great after the part where you sit there for FOUR HOURS."

We Love Bubbles!

2010-09-10T09:34:00.000-04:00

Bubble bath is working for us! Every night before our guide leaves, Wen Xin asks her to find out if Mama has bubbles for his bath tonight. For this kid, bubble bath makes everything better.

It's our last night in Beijing. What a full day. We left the room at 9:30 am and didn't get back until 8:30 pm. We started out by picking up Wen Xin's Chinese passport at the police station. Then we spent about 5 hours at a huge science and technology museum. For Orlando folks, think about five times larger than the Orlando Science Center. Then we went to a Chinese acrobatics show. It was kind of cheesy but fun. Dinner was McDonalds. A walk around town and we were back home -- exhausted.

Mike points out to me that a couple of things happen to my speech in Asia. First, he says I get my Asian English voice. It kind of sounds like I'm trying to speak English with an Asian accent and it kind of annoys him. Second, the longer I'm here, the more broken my English becomes. Here's a real conversation from today.

Dana: "Do you have receipt?"

Mike: " Yes, I have the receipt."

Later,

Mike: "I'm feeling sick."

Dana: "I have the Pepto Bismol."

Two Thumbs Up for the Beijing Zoo!!

2010-09-09T05:18:00.004-04:00

Honestly, if I had planned our itinerary, the Beijing Zoo might not have been on my list. I mean, we have zoos in America. And when we left today, I really thought the main reason we were going was to see the pandas.

We did see the pandas, first thing, and they were amazing!

Pandas eat bamboo and so do we!

What I didn't expect was how beautiful and relaxing it would be.

I think that older child adoption is different than infant adoption in so many ways. You might not want to walk around the zoo all day with a baby. But Wen Xin had never been to the zoo, so it was perfect for fun and bonding.

He asked for a balloon. Well, at first he whined. But our guide helped us explain that when you want something, you need to ask Mama and Baba politely. We were happy to buy it for him. I so want him to see himself as a loved son, and not just a kid from the orphanage that got a day at the zoo. He loves this balloon and is still playing with it hours later. It's a wolf - the villain in a children's show in China.

In closing, here's a monkey, especially for Katherine, Wen Xin's mei mei (little sister), who was born in the year of the monkey and is monkey through and through.

Death by Great Wall

2010-09-08T07:56:00.001-04:00

This photo, taken by Wen Xin, does not begin to portray the pain and agony The Great Wall of China exacted on me this morning. We started way down there at the bottom with a great throng of people that continued to thin as we went higher. Can you see that I'm basically dragging myself up the stairs at this point? I'm eating Advil tonight and hope to be able to walk tomorrow. Congrats to Wen Xin for taking the day's best photo!

Our days here have so many ups and downs. Wen Xin and I have made some progress. Now he'll let me hold him and pick him up. But he's a big boy and Mike warned me not to pick him up too much. "If you go down, I'm sunk, " were his exact words.

Today we've had sweet encouraging moments when we've felt our hearts grow more attached to his. And there have also been moments of intense testing of our boundaries. And there have been tears. Sometimes the tears don't make sense to me. Could be cultural, but I think more than anything that he's just grieving and the tears come out at unexpected times.

Olympic Village

2010-09-07T03:36:00.000-04:00

Today we visited the site of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. I think I've mentioned that Wen Xin climbs on Mike like he's a piece of playground equipment 24/7. Mike's shoulder is really hurting from the constant workout! Our guide, Mina, explained to Wen Xin that Baba's shoulder was hurt and he shouldn't climb on him today. So Wen Xin immediately turned and took Mike's backpack and carried it for him most of the day.

Today we talked with Wen Xin about his name. We asked him if in America, he'd like us to call him his American name, Joseph, or if he'd like us to continue to call him Wen Xin. He said he'd like to be called Wen Xin. We'll see. We don't have a problem at this point with having Joseph Michael be his legal name - it's already on all his adoption documents - but having his friends and family call him Wen Xin. At some point he may prefer having an American name - but maybe not.

This speaks for itself.

And finally Baba decided that it was worth a little shoulder pain to give his boy a ride.

Paperwork Day

2010-09-05T20:20:00.004-04:00

Today is Paperwork Day. We'll go back to the Civil Affairs Office, then on to the Notary and the Police Station. Somewhere in there we're applying for his Chinese passport. I really do not understand the whole process; we just show up at the time and place appointed by our guide with the documents that she tells us to bring.

If we are able to finish all the paperwork today, then we'll sight see and relax tomorrow. But there's a possibility that Paperwork Day will spill over to tomorrow.

I wish you could see Joseph and Mike this morning. They are dressed almost identically in long khaki shorts and navy and white striped polo shirts.

Yesterday, I mentioned the negative orphanage behaviors. I guess I'd better add spitting to the list. Joseph just spit in Mike's face. He clearly is more attached to Mike at this point. He pretty much wants to be touching him or sitting on him or being carried by him -- all the time. But he also hits him, kicks him and now we'll add "spits on him" to the list. So I don't really mind that I'm not his favorite at this point!

I'm so thankful for all the research that's been done on international adoption and post-institutionalized kids. I'm glad I read the "scary" books. I'm also thankful for many adoptive parents who've walked this road and give us a lot of hope. We know some of these folks in person. Others we've just met online. But they are a wealth of wisdom.

On the bright side, all orphanage behaviors aren't negative. Joseph is extremely responsible and orderly. He walks around the room and makes sure he's put all his belongings in his backpack before bed each night. If I say that dirty clothes go in the hamper, he makes sure that not one piece of dirty clothing in lying on the floor. He paints with his watercolors and then methodically puts the paints away and empties the glass of water. We could use a little of this kind of behavior around our house!

As we observe him and get to know him, we always keep in mind the enormous upheaval that's going on in his life as a result of being adopted by us. His whole world is changing. If I were in his shoes, I might want to hit someone too.

Day 3 - The Forbidden City

2010-09-05T05:20:00.001-04:00

Happy Eighth Birthday to Julia Grace Ball! We Love You!

Breakfast this morning went much better. Joseph gobbled up everything on his plate. We didn't leave for sightseeing until 10 am so we went back to the room and tried to teach Joseph how to play quietly with us.

We sat in the floor and colored together. At first he shook his head "no." He didn't want to color. But Mike and I began to color together and soon he joined with us. I learned he is left handed - just like all my other kids! We tried making sticker pictures, but he preferred putting the stickers on our cameras and everything in the hotel room.

We have so much hard work ahead to teach Joseph how to live in our family. The skills that helped him survive in the orphanage like grabbing, hitting and kicking aren't appropriate for life in a family. I'm so thankful for these weeks alone with him in China, but every day is hard work.

Sightseeing was Tienanmen Square, The Forbidden City and a silk factory. If your names are Nathan, Julia or Katherine and you're reading this first thing Sunday morning, you should check our book basket for a book called You Wouldn't Want to Live in the Forbidden City. Also check the book about Mrs. Frizzle and Imperial China. Those books will help you learn about the places we visited with Joseph today. (And thanks to the person who bought us the Forbidden City book off my Amazon Wish List for Joseph. It came before we left, but I couldn't see who sent it.)

Joseph melted down in the silk factory so we had to leave abruptly. We came home, put on music and insisted on rest time for everyone.

So much more to write, but I'll close with this photo of Mike at Tienanmen Square trying to look like a photo of Chairman Mao.

Day 2 With Joseph

2010-09-04T05:05:00.015-04:00

Last night we got ready for bed. We decided that Wen Xin would sleep with Mike (our room has 2 double beds) because he seems more comfortable with Mike at this point. Lights out. As I drifted off to sleep, I heard a little voice whisper, "Mama." Wen Xin, holding the fleece blanket we sent him a while back, crawled into bed with me. He snuggled and petted my arm. Then, after a few minutes, he went back to Mike's bed where he dove on top of him, wrestled him and grabbed at his nose. This routine in the dark repeated itself for a solid hour. Snuggle with Mama, wrestle with Baba. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Breakfast, this morning, didn't go as we expected. Yesterday, I got our guide to ask Wen Xin about his favorite breakfast foods. This morning we went down to the very nice breakfast buffet. Mike and Wen Xin sat down as I fixed a plate for Wen Xin: fried rice, stir fried veggies, ham, and some pineapple -- his favorite. I sat the plate in front of him and he shook his head, "No." So I went back and got congee, a rice porridge. Again, "No." And not just plain "no." "No," along with whining, thrashing around, etc.

I took his food and began to eat it myself. The hotel has signs on the buffet that say, "Please don't waste food." So I figured that if we got it, someone had better eat it.

Mike went to fix his plate and took Wen Xin with him, to see if he could find anything Wen Xin might eat. When they got back Mike said, "He just wants to leave."

So Mike and I ate breakfast as he whined and pointed at the door and refused food. We kept smiling, but we didn't budge. At the end, Mike pretended a piece of cantaloupe was a choo choo train and as it neared Wen Xin's mouth, he gobbled it up. And then he proceeded to eat a very large breakfast.

Today we visited The Summer Palace. It was the summer residence of an emperor.

Besides playing his Leapster, Wen Xin's favorite thing to do is to make photos with an old digital camera we brought along. In fact, every time I ask to take a photo of him, he takes a photo of me, taking his photo. It goes something like this.

But sometimes, I can coax a good photo out of him. (Ok, I can't really do it myself. I need a lot of help in Chinese from our guide, Mina.)

Mike snapped some good photos of Wen Xin and me together. I've been a little skittish because (1) he doesn't really like getting his photo taken and (2) I tried to pick him up for a photo yesterday and he threw a fit. But with a lot of silliness, it turned out ok this time.

Today, we also introduced the name Joseph Michael to him. We will begin to call him Joseph sometimes, while still calling him Wen Xin most of the time. We met some Chinese people today who asked him if he had an American name, so it seemed like a good time to introduce this.

And finally, we visited Joseph's "finding location" -- the place where he was left as an infant. It's in a very rural section of Beijing. Our guide and driver did not take us to the exact street, only to the general area. They kept Wen Xin in the car because they did not know how the local people would react to an American couple adopting a Chinese boy. Mike and I got out and made a few photos and some video. I thought about the fact that seven years ago, his mom might have walked those streets seeing the same buildings. Joseph may never care about this, but if he does, I want him to know that we tried to preserve as much of his history as possible.

More Photos

2010-09-03T08:07:00.001-04:00

September 3, 2010 was a rainy day in Beijing, China

First Family Photo

2010-09-03T01:34:00.002-04:00

We have him! First impressions: He's very smart and very active. He doesn't seem scared at all. He's going to learn English fast as he easily mimics what we say. He's warmed up to us both, but definitely prefers Mike - they've already played hard! He loves to share things with us. He came to us with a pocketful of candy. He fed most of that candy to us. He touches and explores everything. Grabs a lot. Calls us Mama and Baba - constantly! He came to us in a brand new, freshly ironed shorts outfit with some kind of Asian superhero on the front. He was wearing pink and white girl sneakers with pink socks. The lady in charge of the orphanage shared that he has small feet and all the boys sneakers they had were in larger sizes. Doesn't seem to bother him. Our appointments this morning: orphanage, family photo and registration of the adoption at the Civil Affairs Office made us late for lunch and Wen Xin got cranky. So we let him pick the place for lunch. And he picked McDonalds!

Right now he's playing Leapster - it's the first time all day I've seen him slow down. Mike's crashed. I want to crash, but not sure I can leave Wen Xin unattended.

It's 4 am and We're Awake

2010-09-02T17:20:00.001-04:00

Part jet-lag / part just too excited to sleep. We leave to pick up Joseph at 7 am.

We landed in Beijing just before 4 pm yesterday. That sounds like plenty of time, but by the time we cleared customs, met up with our guide, Mina, and rode through rush hour to the hotel, it was after 6.

I stayed in to unpack while Mike went out to buy water and look for a charger for the video camera. I always unpack into drawers if we are going to be in a hotel room for several days. And we'll be here until September 11, before flying to Guangzhou.

If you never plan to adopt from China, just skip the next two paragraphs. I have to include a few potentially boring details for my friends who are getting ready to travel.

Guess what? It's a nice hotel, but no drawers. Just a tiny closet with 5 hangers. So I did a major suitcase re-organization. Someone suggested that I not pack each person's clothes in a single suitcase because if we lost a suitcase in transit, that unlucky person would not have ANYTHING to wear. So both checked bags and both carry-ons contained a variety of all of our stuff. After last night, we each have a suitcase with all our clothes arranged nicely inside. And zipped inside one carry-on are all the things we brought "just in case' -- all kinds of over the counter meds, bandaids, small gifts for folks we meet and toys for Joseph to introduce a little at a time as he gets bored in the room. Finally, my trusty pop-up hamper is tucked away in the corner so that we aren't drowning under an explosion of dirty clothes two days from now.

Mike returned from venturing into the night with a new charger. He got water, but instead of going to the place right down the street that our guide suggested, he bought it right across the street from the hotel -- for $5 a bottle. He was groggy and jet-lagged at that point, so we just laughed and were glad to have drinking water. Moments later, he stumbled from the bathroom to take his medicine before bed -- and mistakenly opened the $5 bottle of water being offered for purchase by the hotel in our room.

So we are a little poorer, but well-hydrated.

And ready for our big day!

And We're Here!

2010-09-02T10:24:00.001-04:00

And Blogger is hit or miss, so I'm going to post quickly before I lose it! Tomorrow morning at 7 am our guide will take us to the orphanage to pick up Joseph. So if anyone would like to pray for us around 7 pm on Friday evening (eastern time), that would be great!

And we're off!

2010-09-01T14:31:00.002-04:00

I slept 4 hours Monday night. And last night I didn't go to bed at all. Besides being tired, it was kind of nice -- quiet and peaceful in the house. After a year of this crazy paperchase, all the pieces seemed to be in order. We were ready to go.

Right now we're sitting in Toronto and they're calling us to board our international flight to Beijing. Our first two flights have been uneventful. I've slept a lot. In fact that's all I've done. I've been unconscious every time the drink cart passed.

Technology - yikes! It's wonderful -- and such an enormous headache at the same time. We just video skyped the girls at home. It was kind of a trial run. I think they could see us! But the video on this end was frozen and jumpy.

And Mike is working on VPN access for us so that I can access Blogger and Facebook from China. It's not exactly working correctly yet.

In About Five Hours. . .

2010-08-31T23:34:00.004-04:00

we leave for the airport. So I'm packing. Really. Now for weeks, I've been thinking and collecting stuff. Over the weekend I got serious and made a detailed packing list on my computer. Bags went on my bedroom floor and all the collected stuff went in. I think the detailed list led to more shopping. Today I made my last Wal-Mart run and put anything that has the remotest chance of leaking in ziplocks. Tonight I'm shuffling stuff and weighing bags. I don't expect we'll sleep. Which is a great plan. . . as long as we get some good sleep on the plane! Hoping to blog from China. Blogger is blocked there, but there are ways around that : ) Finally I'll be able to post photos of Joseph because he'll be our son, and best of all, we'll be in the photos with him!

No time, no time, no time

2010-08-27T08:41:00.001-04:00

We are soooo busy. I would love to post photos of the new kids' rooms -- they are so cute. Or the farm table that finally came. Or my house in shambles as they were tearing down the termite wall on the very day we got the call to go to China. Great blog material. . .

But we are homeschooling and going to soccer practice and packing and writing lesson plans and schedules and such for the grandparents to use while we're gone. And buying gifts for the nannies at the orphanage and the Chinese notaries. And finalizing all the finances. And applying for Chinese visas. And buying a webcam for our computer so we can video Skype with our kids while we're gone. I think my head is going to explode! And stressing over the fact that our new aquarium that was sparkling and beautiful just the other day, now is green and murkey with brown stuff growing on the bottom. This is no time for an aquarium emergency! And getting a new haircut and de-frizzing treatment because Joseph's new mommy is vain!

One way or the other, we are getting on a plane on Wednesday morning, Sept 1(slight date change there.) We'll arrive in Beijing September 2 and on September 3, Joseph will become our son.

Here's our China itinerary:

Itinerary for Michael & Dana Ball family / Fan Wen Xin (2002-12-31)
September 2nd: Arriving in Beijing at 15:55. Staying in Wang Fu Jing Grand Hotel

September 3rd: Go to the orphanage to meet and pick up Joseph; Registration in the Civil Affairs Bureau

September 4th: Local sightseeing: Summer Palace

September 5th: Local sightseeing: Great Wall

September 6th: Get the Registration Certificate in the afternoon.

September 7th: Notarization and applying for the passport

September 8th: Local sightseeing: Forbidden City

September 9th: Local sightseeing: Beijing Zoo and Olympic Park

September 10th: Local sightseeing: Science & Technology Museum and the Acrobatic Show.

September 11th: Get Joseph's Chinese passport; Fly from Beijing to Guangzhou. Stay in White Swan Hotel.

September 12th: Local sightseeing: Yuntai Gardern (Cloud Terrace Garden)

September 13th: Medical check and taking visa photo; Local sightseeing: Pedestrian Street

September 14th: Local sightseeing: Liuhuahu Lake Park

September 15th: Visa appointment at 9:00AM,

September 16th: Swearing in the ceremony at the Consulate; Local sightseeing: Six Banyan Temple

September 17th: Get Joseph’s visa to enter the U.S.

September 18th: Fly from Guangzhou to Beijing and then transfer to international flight home.

September 19th: Arrive in Orlando at 12:20 am. and introduce Joseph to his new siblings and grandparents who'll be waiting for us at the airport!

A Longing Fulfilled!

2010-08-06T18:51:00.001-04:00

We have Travel Approval -- and a travel date! We are going to China August 31.

And so now. . . of course. . . I'm way tooo busy to blog!

But never fear, I just ran across a hilarious article about the practice of gift giving as it applies to the adoption process in China. Read it here.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick - How true!

2010-07-30T23:34:00.002-04:00

Waiting, waiting, waiting. For a couple of weeks we've been waiting on Travel Approval (TA) from China. We're so close. . . but still waiting. It should come next week. I understand that I'm not "pregnant" with Joseph. He's seven years old, for goodness sakes! But this feels very much like the ninth month of pregnancy when it seems like the wait will go on forever.

Hope deferred, i.e. waiting, seems to be the theme of my summer.

We're still waiting for our new farm table to be rebuilt. It should ship next week. We're still waiting for the termite damage in the family room to be repaired. "Next week," the guy said. I'm waiting on Mike to finish painting the girls' bunkbeds so we can fix up the kids' rooms. It really needs to be done by next week, before school starts.

Next week could be a really big week at our house.

Summer vacation has come and gone and I'm still waiting.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12.

If You're Just Joining Us. . .

2010-07-23T16:18:00.002-04:00

A Big Giant Welcome to You! For almost a year now this blog has been "invitation only," a private way to share our journey with family and friends. But as I reached Blogger's reader limit for a private blog, I decided to "go public."

If you're just joining us (and aren't inclined to read all 51 posts), click on the green links for a few highlights from the last year.

Why China?

We Survived the Home Study Visit

We're Getting a New Brother from China

Older Child International Adoption and Language

We Sent Our Dossier

God's Provision

We Are Just A Disaster Waiting to Happen

Want a Pain Free Way to Help Bring Joseph Home?

Creating Community in My Actual World

Family Time

2010-07-17T19:08:00.007-04:00

A couple of boogie boards, a few plastic buckets and shovels, a cooler full of Gatorade, and lots and lots of sunscreen. It doesn't take much to create a special family memory.

A wise woman once told me not to worry about expensive family vacations while the kids are little. She said, "You can rent a hotel room down by the airport, swim in the indoor pool, order pizza in the room, watch movies and play board games -- and your kids will feel like they've been on vacation."

So we tried it. Mike's neurologist has moved to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, and this week Mike had a routine appointment with an MRI - at 6:30 a.m. Since Mike would need to drive up the day before, we decided to make it a family affair.

We arrived in Jacksonville Thursday afternoon and spent about 3 hours playing in the hotel pool. Not a fancy resort pool, mind you. Just a plane old run of the mill "Hampton Inn" style pool. We ordered Italian food to be delivered to the room while we all watched Wipeout. I let the kids stay up really late and at 11 p.m., I removed the sofa cushions to pull out the sofa bed and saw this sign. "SOFA BED IS BROKEN. DO NOT USE! GET A ROLL AWAY FROM THE OFFICE IF NEEDED." Hmmm. We already had one roll away for Big Brother.

I called the office. She said that it was against the fire code to put three roll aways in one room. And all the other suites were booked. Soooo. . . she gave us two connecting rooms. At 11:30 p.m. we moved to two rooms -- with four queen beds total. No pull out sofas or roll aways for us.

Mike went for his appointments the next morning while we slept late. And ate breakfast. And let all the kids "work out" in the exercise room. And watched Animal Planet. After he was done, we checked out and hit the beach.

Lots of fun for very little cash. Sometimes just being together is the best part!

Nothing new on the adoption this week. But as always, I'm on the lookout for thought-provoking adoption articles. Click here for a great article on Christian love in adoption.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers. Shared at The Inspired Room.

Older Child Adoption: Learning to Live in Our Family

2010-07-09T10:20:00.002-04:00

Attachment. . . Trust. . . Mom and Dad are in charge. Joseph will have to learn what it means to live in our family. Click here to read a great article, Who's the Boss? Attachment and Control.

Why Does It Take So Long? Why Does It Cost So Much?

2010-07-07T20:10:00.009-04:00

Before tackling those two serious questions, look at what we've accomplished in the past couple of days.

Today we went to Build a Bear Workshop and built a shaggy dog for Joseph. Isn't he cute!

We dressed him in World Cup 2010 garb since Joseph will be coming to his new home in 2010.

And here's a nesting update: Look at the desk and chair I painted for Little Miss to use for homeschooling next year. The desk was free and the chair was one I already had.

But back to my initial questions. Why does international adoption take so long and cost so much?

We are so excited to be adopting Joseph. When people ask, we'll gladly tell them all about it. But sometimes, people, who are sincerely interested, rain on my parade by asking abruptly, "What's taking so long?" In other words, "This kid needs a family and you're willing to adopt him, so why can't you just go get him?"

The answer is that adopting a child from another country is and should be a BIG DEAL. Prospective adoptive parents should be thoroughly checked out. And that takes time. In the past 11 months, here are some of the things we've been doing in the process of adopting Joseph.

We met with a social worker who interviewed us about our family backgrounds, our marriage, our philosophy of discipline, etc., etc., etc. She made sure our home was safe, reasonably clean and large enough for one more child. We got child abuse clearances from every state we've lived in since we've been adults. For Mike that was seven. We were fingerprinted by the FBI. We submitted lots of details about our finances. We had complete physicals. China even asks for a parent's Body Mass Index.

Our paperwork was notarized. Then it was certified by the individual state where it was notarized. It all went to a Chinese consulate for an official seal. The U.S. Department of State took a look. And that's all before it was mailed to China.

Before she signed our Home Study, our social worker called and said, "I just have to ask you this one more time. Have either of you ever been arrested -- for anything?" She went on to say that she knew a family who did not disclose a prior arrest. They said they forgot. But the U.S. State Department found it, and that was probably the end of the road for that family's adoption.

As stressful as this process has been, I'm glad for the process. There are a lot of weirdos out there and it doesn't need to be quick and easy to go get a child. Children who are available for adoption have already suffered terrible losses and every effort needs to be made to protect them from trafficking and exploitation.

Answering the first question makes the second question - the one about the cost - make a little more sense. Of course, I wish it was cheaper. But, people don't work for free. Every step of the way, the people who work on our adoption, have to get paid. International travel isn't free. It all adds up. But as I look at the breakdown of the total expense, it doesn't seem like any one person is getting an exorbitant amount.

And for the Christian, who is attempting to walk in this world by faith, the expense of international adoption provides a great opportunity to trust God and see Him provide.

This post shared at the Inspired Room

My Favorite Adoption Blog

2010-07-05T08:32:00.002-04:00

Lisa at "A Bushel and A Peck" is a mom to eleven. No, that's not a typo. She's about my age and has seven biological children. A few years back they decided to grow their family through adoption. That decision led them to bring home four Ethiopian children in a space of only 16 months.

Lisa blogs about the realities of adopting kids from "the hard places." Two of her children are HIV positive and came to her when they were older after losing their parents to AIDS.

It's been hard. Harder than they anticipated. But Lisa and Russ are passionately committed to all their kids and Lisa's blog outlines their journey and the things they're learning along the way. Click on the posts below for a taste of what I'm learning from Lisa at "A Bushel and A Peck."

The Love Falls Out

Together on the Ledge

Older Child Adoption

Creating Community in my ACTUAL World

2010-07-02T11:39:00.011-04:00

So many of my needs in preparing for the adoption have been met by other adoptive parents online. The Internet has given me access to a world of information. But there's a trade off. By spending lots of time at the computer, am I losing time that could be spent with ACTUAL as opposed to VIRTUAL friends? The kind of friends that could really come to my rescue if Joseph comes home and everything falls apart and Mike is out of the country?

As we near the day we actually meet Joseph and bring him home, I think my biggest fear is being isolated. What if this is incredibly hard and I need help? All of my family is far away. I go to a very very small church with only one other family with young children.

There are amazing moms at my kids' non-traditional school. We all homeschool 2-3 days/week. I'm energized by spending time with these smart, godly, committed women, but most of them live sooo far away. Often we drive for almost an hour to attend a classmate's birthday party. An hour! For a kids birthday party! And because we all homeschool, there's not a lot of time for hanging out, going to lunch, playing bridge. . . hmm. . .does anyone actually play bridge anymore? Well, you know what I mean..

One of my favorite authors, Sally Clarkson, talks about a woman's need for community in this post. I agree that community is a real need, I'm just not sure how to create this in my world.

(I just corrected the link to Sally's article. Sorry to anyone who tried to go there earlier and ended up confused.)

"This letter is to inform you. . .

2010-06-28T21:41:00.005-04:00

"that your petition has been forwarded to the appropriate visa-issuing post where the adoption interview will take place."

Dated June 25, 2010, this letter lets us know that our request for a visa for Joseph has been forwarded to the Consulate General of the United States in Guangzhou, People's Republic of China.

Now we wait for the date of our interview appointment -- which will determine when we travel to China. We're getting closer!

Celebrating every hurdle cleared!

ImageChef.com Poetry Blender

Oh, The Trauma!

2010-06-28T12:02:00.022-04:00

One of my dreams for our family is to have a big farm table and benches. I envision homeschooling around it and having big family meals with lots of kids. I can see that table becoming the "heart" of our home. I know. I know. That's a lot of emotional investment tied up in a table.

As we began the adoption process, I began looking for farm tables. I found out that "ready made" furniture these days doesn't have much "real wood," even if you are looking at higher end brands. Pottery Barn has the look I like, but they ask big bucks for tables made out of MDF. Same for Ethan Allen. Even Thomasville. Searching online, I found custom table makers (mostly in New England) and spent hours, longingly looking at "real wood" tables that were out of our price range.

Finally, I found a couple in North Georgia that do custom woodwork, including farm tables. Their prices were much more reasonable, as was shipping. (Mike let me know from the start that he was not paying $400 to ship a table from New England to Central Florida.)

At long last, the day arrived. My beautiful table and benches (pictured above - aren't they lovely?) arrived this morning -- damaged in shipping! They only sat in my dining room long enough for us to discover the eight inch gouge in the table top that no amount of "Restore a Finish" was going to hide. Oh, the trauma!

So they went back. . . for repair, replacement, refund? I'm not sure yet. So for now, I guess my dream of the perfect farm table will have to wait a little longer.

Vacation with Our Cousins

2010-06-27T15:34:00.001-04:00

Orphan Statistics Explained

2010-06-27T14:15:00.003-04:00

One of my pet peeves is statistics given for shock value without any kind of context. I recently found an interesting explanation of UNICEF's statistics on the world's orphans.

From The Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism:

UNICEF’s statement that there are 163 million orphans worldwide has been widely misinterpreted as meaning that 163 million children are in need of new adoptive families. Many Westerners imagine that a significant number of these adoptable children are healthy infants and toddlers.

But it’s not so. UNICEF’s statistic includes what it calls “single orphans”—children who have lost one parent. As of 2007, roughly 18.5 million of these “orphans” had lost both parents. That is, of course, still a heartbreakingly large number. However, most of those are living with extended family, and are not in need of adoption, or are older than five, sick, or disabled in some way. As UNICEF’s statement below puts it, “Evidence clearly shows that the vast majority of orphans are living with a surviving parent, grandparent, or other family member. 95 per cent of all orphans are over the age of five.”

Want a Pain Free Way to Help bring Joseph Home?

2010-06-09T22:27:00.010-04:00

For several year now I've been a member of Ebates. It's a cool site that gives you cash back for online purchases. It's totally free! Whenever I'm going to shop online, I log on to Ebates first. Most likely the store I want to shop at will be part of their site: Overstock.com, Pro-Flowers.com, Ann Taylor, Barnes and Noble, Gap -- tons of online retailers.

I click through the link on the Ebates site. It takes me to the place I want to shop, but Ebates tracks my purchase and gives me a rebate. At Christmas, I make calendars for all of our extended family on Snapfish and every year I've gotten something like 12% back.

At the end of every quarter, Ebates sends me a big fat check! Usually after Christmas it's about $50 - $60. There are no receipts to save, no rebate forms to fill out. All I have to do is remember to click through Ebates and then sit back and wait for my big fat check to come in the mail.

I've been looking for creative ways to come up with the rest of our adoption funds. Tonight I got an e-mail from Ebates. They always give you $5 for each friend you refer who actually joins Ebates and makes one qualifying purchase. But right now they are running a big promotion. For anyone who recruits 300 new members (who actually join and make a $20 purchase through Ebates by the end of July), the award is -- "Drumroll please" an extra $4500! Or a trip for two to Hawaii, but I'll take the $4500 and run as fast as I can to China to bring Joseph home.

So here's my personalized link to Ebates:
Just click on the letters in green.

Click through this link and join right now! It's painless. Then look around and make a $20 purchase of something you actually need. You'll get cash back and you'll become one of my "300." Lastly, post my link on your Facebook, your blog, e-mail it to your friends. Just copy and paste the URL below.

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=Ur0lrPtztirOPkOyPkLWAA%3D%3D

Even if we don't get to "300," I'll get cash back for every person who joins. But what if we did make "300?" Wouldn't that be one of the most creative ways a person has ever funded an adoption!

Training

2010-06-07T19:40:00.004-04:00

For me, discipline is about so much more than just correction or punishment. Before I can even get to those steps, I need to train my children in the "right" way to act.

With the way we do school, my kids are home a lot year round. But summer brings a relaxed schedule and with all that free time there's been an escalation of bickering. And since we replaced our carpet with beautiful hardwood floors, the bickering echoes - loudly!

So yesterday, while Mike went to a meeting after church, I took the kids to lunch. Over barbecue, fries, grilled cheese and snow cones, we talked about what the Bible says about how to work out conflict. We've revisited our talk in numerous little conversations over the last 24 hours. It's the sermon I plan to preach all summer long.

Proverbs 19:11 - A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. When someone offends us, often we can just overlook it. As one of the kids put it, "If I'm sitting on the sofa and someone is kicking me, I could just move." Yes! Every little offense doesn't have to become a federal case!

Next we looked at Matthew 18. If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. When something bothers us so much we can't overlook it, we use our words to explain to the other person what's bothering us and to ask them to stop. Hopefully that solves the problem.

Finally, if they just won't listen, we take another Christian -- at this stage of the game, a parent. But we don't run to mom and dad to tattle until we've tried to use our words to work it out.

So that's the formula. The formula doesn't involve hitting, kicking, spitting, whining, yelling or saying, "I'm never going to talk to you again." We're reviewing this. We're role playing. We're having "do-overs" when we get it wrong. It's hard work, but I think it will be worth it in the long run..

Is Adoption Wonderful?

2010-06-03T12:40:00.000-04:00

I think about this a lot these days.

I've come to the conclusion that adoption is a compassionate, redemptive response to a terrible loss - a child's loss of his first family. And I believe that even if a child is adopted into a wonderful "forever family" with parents who love him as their very own child, he has every right to grieve the loss of his first family. There's a real loss there that I can't pretend doesn't exist.

As for Joseph, I think he'll also grieve the loss of his birth country. At almost 8 years old, he'll leave everything he's ever known.

But it's my hope that the redemptive part of adoption will eventually far outweigh the losses in Joseph's life. I pray that he will come to feel that he "belongs" in our family. That we will be the right "fit" for him. That God will use his unique history to make him into an amazing man.

You Know You're Adopting Internationally When. . .

2010-06-02T21:33:00.011-04:00

You overhear your other children playing "orphanage."

The little girls do it all the time. "You be the child in the orphanage."

Today we got a photo of Joseph actually living in the orphanage. Both girls asked why he wasn't working. Huh? Little Miss said, "Does he get to play in the orphanage? I thought the kids had to work."

Finally it hit me -- Annie -- one of Little Miss's favorite movies. Annie and her friends scrubbing the orphanage from top to bottom. A mean, mean orphanage director (Carol Burnett) shamelessly working them to death. That's what my girls think orphanage life is like.

I'm Bouncing Off the Walls!

2010-06-02T11:14:00.012-04:00

Look what I got this morning!

I asked for new photos of Joseph and updated measurements. The photos and medical info that we've been looking at for almost a year are about 2 years old.

Joseph is now 48 inches tall and weighs 46 pounds. If you compare him to an American child (who is not in institutional care), he is in the 33rd percentile for height and the 17th percentile for weight. That's about what I expected, although I hope to fatten him up a little when he comes home. My best frame of reference is that he's about Little Miss's (age 6) size.

Let the shopping begin! Joseph will come to us with only the clothes on his back, so we'll need to build his wardrobe - socks, underwear, p.j.'s, swimsuit, shirts, shorts and pants - starting from scratch.

We are just a disaster waiting to happen!

2010-05-19T00:29:00.016-04:00

For several years I thought we couldn't adopt unless we got a bigger house. About a year ago, we decided that we could make this house work with another child.

But the house was long overdue for some work. It had been over 10 years since we painted the main living areas. We had been busy having a bunch of babies and loving our growing family.

So, we began the prep work for painting and noticed that the carpet in the dining room was squishy which led to the discovery of a leak in the wall. Which led to this.
And the purchase of a new water heater.

And this.
We moved the table from under the chandelier to keep the table from getting wet. Big Sister walked by one day and just couldn't resist giving it a little tug. And that's all it took to send it crashing down from the ceiling, hitting her in the head and scaring us all to death.

Our insurance settlement was enough to replace the damaged carpet with hardwood floors (yea!) because we did all the repainting ourselves with "Oops" paints from our favorite discount hardware store.

What a happy ending!

Not quite.

After a long delay involving a water heater, a hole in the wall, ruined carpet and a crashing chandelier (see above) we started to prep for painting. Again.

And found this.
Drywall damage. From termites (yikes!) But we have a termite bond (sigh of relief.) They'll kill the termites and repair the damage. (Wondering if there's a way to "work" this one. Maybe we can get a home theatre system, or build an addition or something - just kidding.)

And then just yesterday, I went to turn off the water at the kitchen sink. There was a snap and the suddenly the water was stuck in a permanent "on" position. Replacing the faucet at the kitchen sink was on our "to do" list. It magically moved to the top.

With every new disaster, I tell myself that I'm so thankful we're getting this fixed before Joseph comes home. I want to be free from house projects to just love on my new family.

This is A Big Day!

2010-05-17T17:28:00.004-04:00

Christian World Adoption received our LOA from China today! We should travel in about 3 months!

What Does it Mean to Live by Faith in the Service of the Fatherless?

2010-05-07T18:55:00.006-04:00

I'm sitting here with a vomiting child (Big Brother) and listening to an amazing sermon by John Piper about adoption and orphan care. It is very worth the 30 minutes or so to watch or listen to it. (BTW - the video version is much better than the written transcript, so don't just read it.)

View it here.

We asked for an update. . .

2010-05-05T14:21:00.002-04:00

We asked our agency to get an update on Joseph. We asked where he is living now, if he is in school yet, if he received our care package and has seen our photo album and if we could have any baby pictures they have of him (this is very unlikely to happen, but we will pray and ask as nicely and persistently as we can while we are in China.)

My expectations for a response were low, but just a few days later - here it is!

1范文新是一直在院，还是曾在寄养家庭？现在在院是吗？

He was in a foster home, but is living in the orphanage now.

2) 他接受了正规教育吗？

He attends school at the orphanage.

3) 去年家长给你们邮寄了家庭的相片本，你们给他看了吗？如果没有，准备什磨时候给孩子看和谈收养。

Yes, we have given him the package and he has seen the photo album.

4) 家长去接孩子的时候院里有他小时候的相片给家长吗？家长想尽量地让孩子以后有他自己小时候的相片。

We will give the family all of his photos we have.

北京市儿童福利院

BJ CWI

2010.5.5

Because God has all the money in the world. . .

2010-05-03T14:13:00.008-04:00

Mike and I just applied for an adoption grant through Steven Curtis Chapman's foundation, Show Hope. They give adoption grants to Christian couples to help offset the high cost of adoption so that more orphans worldwide can find homes.

We estimate that our adoption will cost $30,000 start to finish. So far we've invested $12,000 without incurring debt. We are very thankful for that. We still have some money put aside as we go into the next steps, but we are quite a ways from the additional $18,000 that we'll need over the next few months. An adoption grant would be a huge blessing for us.

Realistic Expectations - Part II

2010-04-28T12:19:00.003-04:00

This is "Part II" of my earlier post this morning. One of my questions as I wait for travel approval is what parts of his old life Joseph will be able to bring with him. He has lived in foster care for approximately 7 years and at some point before we get him, he'll be moved back to the orphanage - Beijing Children's Welfare Institute - BCWI for short. Above is a photo of the orphanage. We don't know if he's been moved yet.

Here's the experience of a mom who adopted an older girl from BCWI:

My daughter had the following things with her the day we met her:
*A new outfit, appropriate for the weather that day, and it matched the outfit the other older girl had on, that was with us on adoption day
*Hair clips and hair bands in her hair...beautifully done by her ayi.
*A new Pooh backpack (school type backpack)
*A well used doll that we had previously sent on her birthday
*A camera filled with pictures they took of her in the lobby, shortly before we arrived
*A necklace her best friend's parents brought to her when they adopted her best friend (but she had never seen the necklace before that day)
*Two different booklets about BCWI
*A list of questions we sent in advance, that had been briefly answered
*A tiny, and I mean TINY little toy (less than an inch long) that she was allowed to pick out of a box...and the other older girl with us had one, as well

That was it...no change of clothes and no personal items...nothing else. We had sent other things in advance, and they were not with her. We had sent a notebook for her friends to sign and draw pictures for her, etc. She received it, and her friends did draw pictures and sign it, but she was not allowed to bring it.

The only things she had from BCWI were the new clothes on her back, the backpack, and that tiny toy. Oh...and her badge with 3 red stripes. It was pinned to her shirt sleeve when we met her. The BCWI staff explained very intensely the significance of the badge (it was a leadership award from her school). They were quite excited about it, and said no other orphan from BCWI had earned 3 stripes before at school. They told me (through our guide of course) to make SURE we save that badge forever, and how important it is, etc.

On a side note, I guess that tells you something about the importance of education to the BCWI staff. While we were in China, they had no problem NOT supplying a single picture of my daughter which we asked for many, many times, including foster family pictures, etc. But that badge...my goodness....they were SO proud of that badge. They went on and on about it for quite some time, and reminded us again, right before we left, to never lose it. :)

One more thing we received, after asking several times and our guide returning to BCWI to keep asking....her school workbooks! You might want to ask, and keep asking, for your son's books. I can't tell you how helpful they were for us. We were able to see her level of reading (she read to my guide out of the book for 30 minutes and our guide was able to tell us her approximate reading level, etc.) We were able to see her beautiful Chinese writing skills. We were able to determine her level in Math (WAY above grade level here). We were able to see she had learned NO English, although she had an English workbook from school. (She was pitiful in English class in China...every answer was marked wrong. She said her teacher did not know English, and was trying to learn with the class. :) We were able to quickly determine she is very bright, which would have taken us months (or longer) to determine without the books, since she did not speak
English, and we do not speak Chinese. Anyway, those books were very helpful. But another family I know begged for theirs, and received books that had other children's names on them. :( It is still worth a try.

My daughter had nothing from her foster family life...she was with them for 6 years, and like your son, was back at BCWI for about a year, before we met her. She said she left her foster family with the clothes on her back, some fruit her foster sister shoved in her hands during a painful goodbye, and with many tears. :( Her foster family visted her often at BCWI, and brought her food, treats, etc. It all immediately became "community property" as soon as their visit ended each time. I do have to say I understand this concept. It would be too hard for the other children to not get something my daughter had, etc. And in fact, in hindsight, which is 20/20 of course, I would not send anything in a care package that was meant only for my child. I regret doing that. There are too many children "left behind" and it just breaks my heart for them to feel "invisible" when a child receives something and they don't, etc. If I was sending a
care package now, I would send cameras, questions to be answered, and plenty of candy and treats for everyone. I would not send anything personal for my child. (Just my opinion...there are mixed views on this, of course. And I know it is easy for me to say now, when that is not what I actually did then....but I regret that decison a lot.)

And to answer your question about if your son "owns" things at BCWI....
For my daughter, the answer was no. Nothing. She shared everything including clothes, toys, linens, school supplies, even the hairbrushes and toothbrushes!
Again...I guess I understand...can you imagine trying to keep things "separate" with all of those children housed together? And the arguments it would create, etc.?
The only thing she personally had, were her schoolbooks. All the writing in her books, was her writing, and her name was on each book. She said her books were kept in her school backpack, but she did not get to keep that backpack. She was given a brand new one. She treasures her school books, and I am very thankful the staff let her have them. It was definitely worth asking many times, and the extra trip to BCWI to get them.

I know, at first, this all seems a bit tough to hear. But I do want to tell you that my daughter had lots of things available to her at BCWI, including things I did not ever think she would have...like computers, MP3 players, handheld video games, etc. She had everything she needed and wanted (material things)...it just did not belong directly to her. She had plenty to eat, plenty of showers, a good education, etc. Life is not perfect for any child in an institution. Obviously, China knows that, and therefore allows adoption! But my daughter did have everything she needed at BCWI...except the thing she needed most... a family. The only exception to that is dental care...oh don't get me started on that one. Ugh. TWENTY cavities, some so large that my dentist could not save the teeth (he had to remove 5 teeth, three of which had holes literally all the way through them.) I hope the dental plan at BCWI will get better soon. My guide
told us that is very common in China. She said dental care just is not important to most people there...yet (unless they are in pain)! She said that is slowly changing, which is good news!

Bottom line...BCWI does a good job caring for the older children, in my opinion. And they supply every material thing they need...the children just don't directly own anything.

That is all I can remember right now! If you have more questions, please feel free to email me directly. My daughter still remembers every detail of her transition to the orphanage, and her life there. She remembers much of her foster family life, as well. So if you have questions, please ask.

Realistic Expectations - Part I

2010-04-28T08:19:00.012-04:00

You may have read the recent news story about the adoptive mom who put her newly adopted son on a plane "back to Russia." While I think she made a terrible choice, I empathize with the fact that she may have felt totally overwhelmed by the difficult and dangerous situation in which she found herself. As I read her story, I couldn't help but think, "What are we getting ourseles into?" We are adopting and "older child." He is not a baby. This probably won't be easy.

Yesterday, I got a long rambling e-mail from our agency about what to expect with "older child adoption." I'm sharing it here in hopes it will help you know how to pray for our family in the coming months. (Please excuse grammar and punctuation. This e-mail was more of a collection of notes and I just don't have time this morning to edit it properly.)

Older Child Adoption
Parents will be exhausted arriving home from the trip. Children hit the ground running. Be prepared to be very tired the first few months. It will be difficult for you to manage your normal routine. You will have to develop a new routine. This is true even for parents with children already home. Your family will have to blend. This takes time. It can take many months before you feel your family is beginning to feel like a family.

Attachment concerns:
Parents need to be the primary caregivers for first 3 months
Bedtime routine: rock your child; even older children can use a bottle
Limit visitors
Keep your world small. Stay home with your child. Children are often afraid when left home. Take as much leave from work as possible. Save welcome home party until later, consider it when you have been home for 3 months

Sleep issues:
Ok not to let them sleep alone, they will be afraid. They can have a hard time falling asleep. They make wake frequently during the night. It is ok to let them sleep in your room, or you can sleep in their bedroom.

Behavior concerns:
Clingy behavior, constantly wanting to be held, needy, difficult for parents to accomplish household activities, may cry when you leave the room, may follow you everywhere

May kick, bite, scratch, spit. They will have orphanage behaviors, children have to learn a new way. When children arrive home, they are very active. They touch the light switches, open cabinets, go through your personal belongings

Tantrums

Older children may have a “bad attitude”

Anger
Control. A child learns to trust in his first year of life. He has parents who meet his basic needs over and over. This builds trust. For many of you your child did not have a relationship that encouraged trust. You should parent your child as a much younger child. By parenting him this way, he will learn that you can control him. This will help your child learn to trust you. He will feel safe with you. He will not feel that he has to control everything that happens at home.

It is always good to remember: Choose your battles wisely.

High Structure High Nurture

Regression
Children do not make progress in a straight line. You will see days or weeks of good progress. Then your child will regress. This is normal. It is frustrating because you have seen so much progress. Your child will not regress for as long a period of time. This will happen over and over as they transition to their new home.

Overly friendly behavior
You will want to limit family and friends holding your child. Parents should be responding to their child’s needs. Children are looking for that “safe” person. We want them to know mom and dad are safe. They don’t need to continue their search.

Grief affects behavior.
Feelings may be intense at times. Older children may say, “America is no good.” China, Russia, Ethiopia was better. Tantrums may occur several times a day. Tantrums can be intense at times. Tantrums can last for long periods of time, 45 minutes to an hour.

Family Life vs Orphanage Life
Talk about the differences Children learn how parents are able to help them. Tell your children, “Good mothers take care of their children.” They will have to learn what a family is.

Bath time may be difficult. They may have never taken a bath, may scream, and may not like to have hair washed

Meeting your child for the first time - your child may be unhappy, she may cry. She may continue to cry through the night. She is grieving the loss of her world as she once knew it.

Maturity level will be emotionally younger than age
This is difficult for families adopting a child that is older. They look at the child as a 7 year old. The child is behaving as a 2 or 3 year old. It is hard for them to parent the child as a 3 year old.

Baby sign language is a good way to help children communicate with their family.

Many times families are expecting a quiet, meek child to come into their home from an orphanage. Families are surprised to have a loud, bossy child. This child tries to take control of the family right away. This child has the ability to bring a quiet, calm house to a state of chaos.

Social concerns:
Poor table manners
Will need to learn how to play games; will not be an instant playmate for siblings. Socialization takes time

May hit, bite, scratch, or kick

May hoard food and toys. May not know how to care for toys and books. Limit toys and books in the beginning.

Will not understand what it means to share. Siblings will share their toys with newly adopted child. The adopted child will not understand why they have to give the toy back to their sibling.

Surprisingly, older children can be materialistic. They may tell you they want a new bike, shoes, or clothes. It is difficult for parents when a child from a Third World Country asks for so many new items. They are expecting their child to be grateful for what they have and for bringing them home.

Siblings
Jealousy - the adopted child may feel parents are favoring bio children. It can be a difficult transition. Help sibs prepare. Role play what may happen. It can be a shock to your bio children when their new sibling arrives home. Find time to spend with your bio children. Schedule time with them, go to lunch, ride bikes, etc. Prepare them for the time you will need to spend with newly adopted child. You will spend a lot of time with the adopted child the first several months.

Prepare your children for their new sibling’s needs. The new child will require a lot of mom’s attention the first few months. Try to find ways to spend time with each child. If it is 15 minutes one on one a day, it is a way to help each child feel loved and appreciated.

Food issues:Older children may not like American food, try to transition them to our food, whether with formula or food

Sensory Integration Disorder
Consider having your child evaluated as they may have never walked on grass, may have difficulty chewing, and may not like to be touched.

Discuss feelings. This child may have never been asked what they were feeling, talk about the 4 basic feelings: happy, sad, mad, and scared.

School
Ok to consider not placing child in age appropriate grade.
May need a tutor. Ok to delay entry to school. They may appear “lazy”and not interested.

Translators are helpful. Language barrier creates temper tantrums and frustrated behavior.

Language
It helps to know a few words in your child’s language. For some countries this is difficult so you may want to use sign language or cards with pictures drawn on them to help you the first few weeks. You will need to explain everything in the beginning. It will take a lot of your time. You are going to need to explain simple things like how to put the dishes in the sink or where is the laundry room and what is a laundry room. This can be exhausting to parents the first few months. It can take older children longer to comprehend what is being said to them. For an older child it may take 6 months to one year until he has a good understanding of English.

Sexual Abuse
is difficult to talk about but does happen to some children. Children that have lived in an orphanage, foster care, or with birth families may have been sexually abused.

Post Adoption Depression
You may question yourself. "Why did I want to do this?" It takes time for families to blend. You will grieve the loss of your family as you once knew it. This is normal. It helps to talk to someone.

We are Logged In

2010-04-07T14:22:00.002-04:00

I just received word that our dossier was logged in with the China Center for Adoption Affairs yesterday, April 6! One step closer.

Joseph is Coming to a Sweet Family!

2010-04-05T22:36:00.005-04:00

It's Spring Break for us this week. Tonight Little Miss remembered that today, April 5, is her friend Gracie's birthday. Since she won't be seeing Gracie this week she asked to send her an e-mail.

Little Miss dictated as I typed. Here goes:

Dear Gracie,

Happy Birthday, Gracie! I hope you had a good birthday today. I hope you got good presents. This is the day that God sent you to the earth! I really like you. You are a special gift of God.

Love,
Little Miss

What an amazingly sweet birthday message, if I do say so myself.

God's Provision

2010-03-28T15:48:00.008-04:00

Part of the reason I'm writing this blog is to make sure we remember all the ways God provided along the way.

I've been searching Craigslist several times a day. The other afternoon we went to look at a cute Pottery Barn Kids loft bed with a little tent that makes a fort under it. The loft wasn't very high and we thought it might be good for Joseph after he's been here a little while. The price, at $125, seemed reasonable to us.

We walked in and right away the man told us that if we wanted it, he'd give it to us for $75. The bed was sturdy, but parts were pretty scratched up.

We mentioned our adoption and he got so excited. This man turned out to be a believer who owns a bounce house place in town called Monkey Joe's. He gave us his e-mail and told us to contact him when Joseph comes home and that Monkey Joe's would love to throw him a "Welcome to America" party. Amazing. My kids love Monkey Joe's and we just celebrated Little Miss's birthday there.

He told us that we could have the bed for $50; actually that he'd love to just give it to us, but he was afraid his wife might be put out with him if he did - afterall, she'd taken the time to list it on Craigslist. $50 seemed more than fair, so we paid him and loaded the loft bed, piece by piece into our van.

As we pulled away, Mr. Monkey Joe's came running across his yard, jumping over the shrubbery, waving his hands for us to stop. Mike rolled down the window and the man said, "Please take your money back. I just talked to my wife and we'd like to give you the bed to help with your adoption. And if you could pull back in the driveway, we have a Pottery Barn Kids rug we'd like to give you as well."

Nesting Update

2010-03-28T14:03:00.011-04:00

Progress on the master bath: Bye-bye pink and hello beautiful chocolate brown. I love my white towels with the dark brown monogram. They were a gift to us from Santa! (Santa even brought towels monogrammed with the kids' names for their bathroom. Add that to the list of things the kids will fuss about when they're grown - towels for Christmas!)

I also love the framed photo. Although you can't see it for the glare, it's a photo of a glacier from our 10th Anniversary trip to Alaska. I framed some of the amazing photos from our trip to use as artwork for our bath. Now we can enjoy those special memories every day!

Yea Mike - kudos for giving us a beautiful bathroom on a tiny budget! I hope you're just warming up because I'm buying paint for the living room this week.

We Sent Our Dossier!

2010-03-28T13:29:00.011-04:00

Here's last Tuesday, March 23, in photos.

After six months of grueling paperwork, this part of the process is done! We mailed our dossier to CWA (our agency) on Tuesday.

While packing up our dossier on Tuesday morning, I yelled to Mike in the other room. "You need to write a check to CWA for $XXXX.XX" -- the largest check we've had to write so far. I heard a thud as Mike's body hit the ground. Most of you know that Mike has a seizure disorder. I raced into the next room to find him flailing on the ground. As I called his name, he looked up and laughed. Seems he decided to fake a heart attack over the amount of the check.

Isn't there an unwritten rule somewhere that it's never funny when folks with serious medical conditions fake heart attacks?

Prayer Requests

2010-03-13T11:21:00.005-05:00

1. Pray that God will be preparing Joseph's heart to be adopted into our family.
2. Pray that God will help us to bring home as much of his "history" as possible. We want to travel to the place where he was "found" as an infant and take photos. We'd like to get his "finding ad" from the local newspaper if possible. We'd love to have a photo of him with his foster family. We'd love to find other children who were in foster care with him at some point and have now been adopted in America.

Many of these desires are highly unlikely to be fulfilled. Many families send disposable cameras to the foster families or orphanages to get photos of their child before they are adopted. There are services that will arrange this for you. But all the parents I've talked to received a camera full of photos of their child by himself. I feel like it's such a loss to be seven years old and all of the sudden have your entire history "erased." I want to provide as many pieces of the puzzle as I can for him as he grows older and tries to understand his unique story.

On to the Consulate

2010-03-08T23:17:00.002-05:00

We mailed our last set of documents to the Chinese Consulate in Houston today for authentication. When we get them back, we'll be able to send our dossier to China.